Equal Opportunity Hatred
by PatRox
Summary: "You're all idiots. I don't care what accomplishments you have, whether they be physical, magical, or academic. You're all idiots for living lives that seem to bleat that all is right with the world. Your idiocy makes me sick, and I hate the fact that I have to travel with you to get anything done." A Self Insert hijacks an NPC body and is forced into the role of Chronicler
1. Chapter 1

**Equal Opportunity Hatred**

**In which I get isekai'd into a world I know little about**

Every person who's looked in a mirror can tell you what they look like. Small details that only they would notice have always been there as far as they can tell. Then puberty happens and more details happen that excite you as you approach your first steps into adulthood.

Being a person with brown hair, honey gold eyes, and AVERAGE (I'm not short dammit) height. I can say for certain that these were not my features. Black hair tinted slightly blue did not belong to me, nor did the bright blue eyes, and now people can say without a doubt I looked like a midget. The only thing salvageable about me was my outfit being so plain it could blend in any crowd. A crowd in medieval times but a crowd nonetheless. Plain white tunic and dark brown leggings. The embodiment of a generic NPC.

I decided to leave the empty bedroom. Most likely a guest bedroom given how barren it was.

I wasn't a man of religion but this house undoubtedly belonged to the person housing me, whoever they were, because there's no way I would decorate my house with a gaudy stone carving of a woman above my fireplace. I refuse to contemplate the idea that any alternate version of myself would bother with that much detail. It was clearly an altar and judging by how clean it is compared to the rest of the house, it was used often. I certainly wasn't going to pray to a god I knew nothing about while inhabiting someone else's body. Pretty sure that would be begging for bad luck.

Seeing as no one is in the house, I decide to go on a walk through whatever backwater place I've ended up in.

A village of wood, stone and brick, known as Iliasville. The name tickled something in my head, but shrugged it off in favor of learning the area. It was a name I would be getting well acquainted with when I remembered where I first found it. Until that time came however, I would be bombarded by the various shops with Ilias incorporated into its name somehow.

But the most notable place would be the Temple of Ilias which stood in gleaming marble above it's surrounding places of commerce. A Father stood off to the side. Closing his bible, he approaches, "Roxas, it's good to see you well. How have you been since your injury?"

"Roxas?" That wasn't my name. Sure I used it as a pen name for shits and giggles. I sometimes wish I had changed my real name, but such is life. The name I was born with is supposed to be the one people remember me by. Unfortunately "Roxas" is just way more memorable and harder to mess up.

The Father frowned at my confusion. "Young man, are you really alright? You seem…" I could see him struggling to put this politely. "...slightly disturbed. Have you come to pray to Ilias for healing?"

Fun fact: That could be taken as mentally retarded or unstable. Things I find highly offensive in my current situation.

I scowled a bit at the uppity closet pedo, it's fine to have your concerns but there was no need for him to be a dick about it. "No. I don't need healing. I just came to learn who exactly Ilias is supposed to be."

His brow furrowed in 'worry' as he continued his old man rambling "To think one of her most devout followers is asking of this… Are you truly well Roxas? Do you not remember the hours we've spent praying at the altar, waiting for the Goddess to baptize the next generation of heroes?"

What is it with old men repeating questions that lead to obvious answers. Maybe I should've been more patient with him, but considering I have no idea where I am geography-wise, going off on a religious rant is not going to endear me to his sympathies. "No. I don't. If I knew I wouldn't be asking you about her. If you aren't going to tell me, I'll find out on my own."

"Patience, young man. Our Goddess Ilias, who watches over us in heaven, is the Goddess of Light, Life, and Wisdom. She guides humanity towards the path of purity, and salvation. Denouncing monsters as the sinful creatures that they are, feeding off the semen of our fellow man..." he said getting his preacher's voice out in the open allowing those who were pretending not to listen to say Amen after every single one of his lines. "She created us, giving us intelligence and magic to wield against those who would seek to harm us."

Ilias is a Goddess of Light? Denouncing monsters who feed off semen? I nearly had a breakdown at the absolute stupid of this. It's bad enough to be isekai'd into a semi fantasy land. But a world I have only the barest amount of knowledge on? With monster more interested in my virginity and seed? There is no amount of indoor plumbing in this world that's going to be able to wash away the shame of molestation.

Fuck this was going to be difficult.

"I see. Thank you Father for helping me remember Ilias, our goddess." I intoned hollowly. "I've just been having spots in my memories since I've gotten up."

"I see you've somewhat come to your senses. Even if you do not remember still you retain your faith. Have your memories returned in full?"

As discouraging as it is, the house I woke up in must have been mine. I never considered myself very religious and since no gods had any interest in my life or the people around me. If they did exist, I could relate it to a sort of mutual apathy. Here though, I am a man of faith, so I should at least play the part, "No Father. I don't remember much, but I can only thank the Goddess for bringing me hope in retrieving some of my memories."

I could feel the approval I had garnered in the church surround me, but I felt like the devil being scorned simply telling those lies.

* * *

Much like in my previous life, I was a librarian. I checked books out to the adults looking for specific information, read books while waiting for the day to end, and unlike my old life I occasionally helped tutored the village children. Since there isn't much use in public education in a village as small as this, it falls to the one who keeps watch over all the books in the village.

So I sat at my desk near the front door, reading various books, all circling around one thing: Cooking. I didn't know the first thing about living in a fantasy setting besides putting salt on whatever food I could find. And I took shortcuts thinking rock salt was made by beating two rocks together to create the tiniest pebbles possible. Since new world meant new amenities for cooking, I'd sooner pay and eat at the tavern than simply kill myself with awful cooking.

And that's what I did for a few weeks. I paid the villagers who offered condolences their lip service, mostly consisting of the parents of the tutored children and the elderly. I spent my time reading survival books and basic world history in order to prepare to leave for the outside world. Every day when I closed up, I went to the tavern to observe and, when I felt confident enough, socialise to better understand the kind of person I "used to be". With Ilias's birthday approaching "Hero's baptism" had been the phrase circling town, along with what's probably the protagonist's name, Luka.

I've met the guy, he's about as tall as I am right now. He's unsurprisingly naive in that protagonist way. I can tell he's somewhat uncomfortable around me, but then again I know few people who aren't. Pretty well known for being polite and earnest in his willingness to help others. An all around nice guy, looking to become a hero.

In other words, I found his presence annoying. He's a good person, but I'm not a huge fan of those types of people. Nonetheless he's my only real excuse to leave this dingy little village and really see what's out there.

As for why he has to be my excuse to leave?

* * *

"I wish to chronicle the adventures of the next generation of Heroes." was the excuse I spewed out in the hopes that it was acceptable. As a chronicler, I essentially have a front row seat to any and all drama he happens upon. I can essentially write the words that would either solidify him as an unstoppable hero, or a foolish martyr. Being a vindictive asshole, I'm more inclined to write him off as the latter, simply for displaying all the qualities for being a fool at a mere glance.

Of course not everything is hunky dory when leaving a village with no education system in place. Parents and the elderly especially had issue with me leaving I was living encouragement to not become a hero, and proof you can make it with a bit more knowledge than your average farmer. Becoming a merchant would be easier for them, possibly encouraging more traffick beyond wannabe heroes looking to get baptized. Taking it up with the Mayor however I could rent the Library out to the village for free provided that they have one attendant there to substitute for me.

Thus leading to my current conversation with him.

"The deal you've laid out seems perfectly reasonable. Of course it would be a bit of an inconvenience for some store owners if there happens to be a day where they're forced to close their shop and lose potential customers… I don't suppose you would reconsider leaving?"

One cannot say subtlety has ever met anyone from Iliasville. "I understand that's why I proposed a rotation system. Adjustments can be made if needed, but I see no need to constrain someone to a specific day if they have customers. Or maybe delegate some work to those who are currently lazing about in the village."

One thing that exist in every universe, are NEETs. People who spend their time not really doing anything. In every place in every village there's someone who doesn't ever have anything to do. A cushy library job that requires little to no effort would be perfect for them considering it would get them the little interaction they crave.

The rat like mayor started wringing his hands together. I can see the scheme he's trying to pull long before he even finalized his words. "My concern isn't the watch over the library, but the education you've provided them. Who will be our new tutor?"

"I simply chose to help educate them out of the kindness of my heart. It's the parent's job to teach their children about the ways of the world. A tutor is only necessary for parents who are gone for long periods of time. As cold as it might seem mayor, I hold no responsibility over the failings of their parents. If you truly find it necessary, I can write down a list of books for them to study for general education"

There. I put my foot down on the matter while holding out a hand for compromise. This guy has been mayor for 20+ years and for good reason. In a village dedicated to worshipping a "kind" goddess they've complacent in using the word no. Giving him an inch means he'll try and get a mile, and most of the time he'll succeed. It may be considered further proof that these people need better education than what I can provide for them, but my priorities are focused on myself.

I just can't bring myself to care about these faceless people or their damn brats.

"Very well then. I understand," he finished solemnly. "I'll see to getting a proper rotation for library watch and tutoring. All I ask is that both you and Luka return safely."

"I wouldn't be much of a chronicler if I didn't," I smirked a bit, finding the semi dark joke funny. No one else would but I was fine with that. "Either way, I promise I'll come back after this adventure is over."

A line many heroes have uttered triggering their death flag, but since I have the living plot armor called a main character, I figured it'd be okay to tempt fate just a little bit. I still had a few days before Ilias's baptising so hopefully by then Murphy's Law will have forgotten about me.

* * *

The day is here for the hero to start his journey. For him to be baptised and set out on a journey to defeat the Monster Lord, leading the people to a golden age of prosperity. Of course, I believe half of that has to be bullshit if all he has to do is end one person's life for monsters to lay down their weapons and simply cease to be an issue. If life worked like that, then Ilias and her faith wouldn't be a cause for concern for monsterkind. Humans would be nothing but breeding cattle and food to them.

My gripes about my current predicament aside, getting to explore the world in any manner has always excited me. To learn from the people occupying those spaces is a fun thing when exploring places unknown. It was the only exciting part about this trip and I was going to indulge myself as much as possible.

Unfortunately in typical know-it-all fashion, I had been misinformed about the call to adventure being the Hero's Baptism.

I had packed everything up already, and dressed myself for the occasion. Book and pen were strapped to my left leg in a special pouch I had commissioned for this trip. Since I would be logging things somewhat like a journal it's best to have nearby for unforeseen events being recorded. My only real concern would be being forced to swim and getting drenched in water. Until that time came though I wasn't going to worry about it.

So I waited by the church, arriving by daybreak, eating breakfast sandwiches until the time came. I wasn't expecting for Ilias and Luka to arrive as soon as I did, that would be conceited of me. I expected to wait there for a few hours, have few chats with a few people passing by. Receiving a revelation from the Goddess Ilias to "Head towards the monster attack and observe the chosen hero, Luka's first victory" was not anywhere on the itinerary. Nonetheless hearing a strange voice in my head telling me to head towards a nonexistent attack to find the hero in action was maddening.

Then Hans, our local lumberjack and scouting guard was running around like a headless chicken yelling about a monster approaching the village gates.

On one hand, there's a possibility that I might have been going insane. On the other hand, if I don't go there's a chance that she smites me from her throne in heaven. What little I do know about her is that she's considered "Yan" for our village hero. Getting his chronicler off his ass and get to recording his hero journey before he even started is a good way of getting people to worship his name.

So I ran, no matter how heavy my pack was, or how out of shape I was, I didn't stop moving until I had arrived to see the monster who would be the first in the line of many, who would impede my journey.

A Slime Girl, a rather attractive one at that. Even I could acknowledge it, and admire her beauty. But the ridiculousness of having the village people freak out and panic over such a simple creature, having the Chosen Hero here looking unsure of himself just… irritates me. Why even have village guards if you plan to leave the heroes to defend the village. It's even more inconsistent since most heroes usually go off to defeat the Monster Lord and newbies wouldn't know what to do.

Forget bringing a journal, I'll need a flask to get through this journey of stupid.

"You know… you're pretty close to a human village. Could you please just go away?" Hero Hope Luka said timidly as his sword shook. "Everyone in the village is feeling pretty scared of you."

Forget bringing a flask, I'll need a barrel of hard ale to get through this journey with this wimp like hero.

"I'm too hungry to leave… besides you seem like a pacifist…" she scanned him up and down jiggling all the while. "Since you seem kind, how about you and your friend over there donate some semen to me?"

"As both a man and a follower of Ilias, I'll have to say no to the both of us." I said pulling out the journal for quick notes. "And really what made you think attacking a village that churns out heroes on a yearly basis a good idea?"

To start off the journey I wanted to keep to simple notes. So taking note of the many facts surrounding this situation, I wrote: [First Encounter with Slime Girl: Probable Idiot]

"Catching those prospective heroes, making them submit to me and pleasure and driving them off in shame. Ahh!" she wiggled in the ecstasy in what should've been a traumatic experience for the men. "That feeling of domination. I just never get tired of it."

[Monster Girls are sadistic beings that get pleasurable highs off of their dominance over men.] Was the next line. [Will employ bandit/hunter tactics on their prey.]

"First I wrap around them like this…" she coiled around me, enveloping my legs, wrapping her arms around me to grasp at my belt.

I froze at the cool touch of her slime. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't a good feeling knowing I was about to be sexually assaulted by someone I didn't know. Even worse, I knew it was my fault for taking my eyes off the situation.

"DUCK!" I heard Luka shout. Without a second thought, I did just that feeling his iron sword whiz by my head cutting through the slime distracting her long enough to tuck and roll. It was a heavy roll, that felt way too sluggish but it got me out of there.

"What a nice attempt to save your friend." she said reforming as if she were never injured. Most likely because she wasn't. "Would you like to be swallowed up and drained yourself?"

"Not a chance!" He said, confidently brandishing his sword. Much more inspiring than his first attempts a pacifying her, and infinitely less cringe inducing as well. "Now back off! Stop bothering the people of our village."

This time I kept my eyes on her moving back as I continued writing: [Luka has a Hero's Vengeance, meant to bring fairness and equality to any situation through force. Gains the bearings of a True Hero to face any opposition]

She chuckled maliciously/salaciously at his mildly childish demand. "Even if you deny me, and keep cutting away at my body, I'll just keep reforming. You'll tire yourself out, and I'll drown you in pleasure."

[Slimes are resistant to Slash] "Luka, if slashing doesn't work use blunt force." I said quickly writing that tidbit down. "Try using your scabbard as a club."

[If the cuts will continuously heal then use blunt force to knock her back. She still flinches in pain and gets distracted by it. So a few good whacks with either a club or Luka's Sword scabbard should drive her off.]

My predictions were proven true when instead of slashing through her, he forced her away from him. She yelped with every attack landed, the waves rolling across her body each time. It could be considered bullying if she were human, but rape is a serious crime in my book. One that's worth way more than too few years in a prison cell as far as I'm concerned.

As the beating continued though I felt like I was the one committing some major crime by letting the Hero bully her like this. Then I remembered she tried to rape me and all my guilt vanished.

"OW! I'M SORRY! Just let me leave…" she whimpered, and Luka relented, shooing her away as his attention slid towards me.

"Are you alright Roxas?" He asked me.

"Yeah. I'm a little ashamed that my first experience as your chronicler started with me getting molested." I shrugged. "But I'll be alright thanks to you. I can confidently say you have the makings to be a good hero."

"Y-You really think so?" He said eyes shining with hope and optimism. "I looked like a real hero?" His eyes glazed over clearly going to some fantasy or inner monologue as he started his slow pace back to the village.

"Oi! I said you have the makings of one, you aren't a Hero yet! Luka!" I'm yelling, or to put it truthfully, raising my voice to a volume I'm mildly uncomfortable with. "Get your head out of the clouds. I Said You Aren't A Hero Just Yet! LUKA!"

A loud thump that shook the earth and the trees finally got his attention. It certainly got mine as well considering I was the one who was still lucid between the two of us. Like the mindless idiot hero that he wanted to be he ran deeper into the woods where the impact was heard.

It's a hard knock life for being one of the only people in the world with common sense.

Whatever caused the impact managed to land in something resembling a clearing in the woods. The grass somewhat flattened from constant use, most likely from various picnics over the years, was now occupied by a few branches from the trees and a Lamia bathed in sunlight giving her somewhat of a heavenly glow. The blue skin, red tail, horn like appendages, pointed ears, and possibly magical tattoos were majors points to her not being a human.

"Another monster girl? Where did she come from?" Luka asked obliviously. Like there weren't many hints dedicate to the fact that she FELL from the fucking SKY.

Sighing at the hopelessness of this idiot I start up conversation again this time around the reason we're here. "I'm more surprised at the fact that you aren't helping her." I said trying not to let my impatience show. "I mean you did run deeper into the woods just to see what the issue was. You seemed like the kind of guy to help even if it were a monster."

"I was thinking I'm going to be late to the baptism, but she might need my help…"

I'm visibly scowling now, more so than usual at his indecisiveness. "You are already here so help if that's what you think is right. Don't waffle about trying to decide simply choose the answer you want to happen more."

His resolution found, face steeled in confidence he said, "Alright we'll help her then if she needs it. I'll just run back to the village as soon as we know she'll be fine."

What a nice guy. Then again he might really be a pacifist or something of a conscientious objector. Someone choosing to be a hero for the sake of everyone, which gives me some major Emiya vibes, the kind that get him killed anyway. "Yeah. Check for a pulse or something, maybe ask her some questions when she gets up."

He approaches her upper human-ish half while I observe the length of her tail. The long, silky smooth tail that requires so much grooming and maintenance. I wonder if she would allow me to stroke her tail.

"Hey, miss monster. Are you dead?"

"I said ask questions when she's awake." Seriously… this kid. I know there's a bit of irony coming from me at the moment but there's no way that I'm just as mature as this hero wannabe. "You're supposed to check for signs of life before anything. Is she breathing? Is her heart beating properly?"

Before either of us can do anything of importance however, she had woken up springing up to... Sit? Lean on? Her lamia half which had coiled around to support her had smoothly slipped from my gaze.

She had a regal and haughty bearing one that even as she felt confused looked down on us simply for looking like commoners. "You. Where am I?" Even her voice demanded respect. She acted like an arrogant tyrant, imposing her will on whoever happens to be the most convenient body.

As Luka stuttered a bit, she turned her attention to me. "You. The less stupid looking one. Where am I?"

"Ignoring the fact that you called two strangers perfectly willing to help you out stupid people," I snarked feeling the urge to slap the arrogance off her face. I resisted of course, since I had no weapon, no training, and no reliable magic to defend my honor with. "You are a little ways away from Iliasville. The one place monsters can't seem to ignore." I said mumbling that last bit to myself.

Seriously why did she think doing that was a good idea? Yeah, eventually you'd drive away all the weaker guys but what would've happened if somebody who knew what they were doing came along?

"Getting knocked all the way to this place… that strength was unreal…" she drove herself out of her thoughts and looked at the two of us. "Who are you two supposed to be anyway?"

"I'm hero apprentice Luka, and this is Roxas." he said with more confidence. He really is a bit of a waif isn't he? Pick a tone and stick to it. "We heard you fall not too long ago and thought maybe you would've needed help."

"Apprentice… So neither of you are baptized, you especially smell delicious." she licks her lips clearly intending something with Luka.

"A-anyway I've got somewhere to be so I'll be goin-"

"Stop," Before Luka could get started running he was caught by her tail, coiling around his entire body.

I know I shouldn't be jealous but why does he get the tail when I was even closer to her. "That was more than unnecessary. We have to get to the temple to get this guy baptized."

"Ilias's birthday is today, isn't it… How foolish." she said recklessly, completely blowing Luka's mind. "Why didn't you two aspiring heroes try to kill me?"

"I repeat, people willing to help an unconscious person. More importantly Luka can you stab her, like right in the tail? If you didn't sheathe your sword properly I'm sure you can just wiggle a bit and cut her." I said already tired of dealing with this troublesome thing.

"Oh, a fair fight?" "Did two aspiring heroes look to kill me only when I was ready to fight?

"I'm not attacking anyone! Roxas stop making things worse." Luka still squirmed like I asked though. I can only hope his sword managed to hit something. "You aren't even trying to be a hero and heroes especially don't go around stabbing people without a good reason."

"You… don't see all monsters as enemies?" she said, her smirk growing wider with every word.

"No. I mean, I'm sure not all of them are bad…"

"A hero who doesn't hate monsters is a foolish contradiction. Why then, would you become a hero whose goal is to slay the Monster Lord?" When she put it like that it really does sound stupid. "For the money? For vainglory-"

"That's not the kind of hero I'm going to be." He interrupted blunty again showing that he at least has some backbone. "I just want to stop the monster lord from doing bad stuff."

"What. I'm sorry, it's just, what. I-I can't even begin…" I'm actually shaking my head. This hero. This wannabe hero actually said that. This naive idiot thinks that the monster lord is at fault for the situations around the world. "What's the end goal for the journey then?" I ask hoping it doesn't make my brain implode from stupid.

"I don't want to fight or kill monsters or the monster lord." He said resolutely. I'm actually praying what he says next doesn't get any worse than this. "I want to live in a world where humans and monsters can coexist peacefully."

He's an idiot. An honest to god idiot. Living in this world for as long as I have I've picked up on the fact that it's impossible. Ilias's commandments forbid sexual relations between monster girls and humans. Monsters also feed off the semen of men, and the chances of a monster giving birth to a male are so astronomically low it's laughable. While it's true that monster girls can live off of regular food, that doesn't include the literal sex demons known as the succubi and the many animal types that go into mating season who would rape men to satisfy their own needs if necessary. Being a faithful follower of Ilias that he is, he won't exactly be the paragon of coexistence for monsters if he doesn't at least help them out with that basic need.

"You're an idiot." The blue lady and I echo each others thoughts. This is, surprisingly, the only thing we can agree on. I decide to let her continue. "Believing in a peaceful world where everyone can happily coexist with no issues is nothing but a fool's dream." I regret letting her speak however.

"While most of what she said was technically correct, you have so much more to do than simply beat up the monsters who disrupt peace." I said lecturing him as well. "Since Ilias's commandments involve not having anything related to sex with monster girls who feed off of semen, you're going to be hard pressed to find people who not only agree with that goal, but are okay with essentially wiping out one of their most beneficial food sources."

"This smart one gets it." She practically sneers at Luka for his naivety releasing him from his bind. "Now why don't you run along like the good boy that you are. The adults are talking now."

"Fine! I will!" He did not just pout. He did not just pout and run off leaving me here with the monster who could snap me in half like the twig I am.

You would think someone looking to be a hero would leave their traveling companion to a monsters mercy, but beggars can't be choosers when looking to explore the world. I was technically supposed to be there with him to get baptized but I'm sort of hoping he doesn't make it for leaving me here with her. But maybe…

"Well it's been nice talking with you, unfortunately I am supposed to be traveling with this guy to explore the world, bringing peace and justice… I am sure you know how it is, so I'll be taking my leave."

"We are not done here." she said embracing me in the tail coil this time around. "You from That Village too aren't you? How is it that you're so much smarter than that idiotic example of your species?"

"I feel mildly obligated to defend him on the grounds of him being my future travel companion and reason for allowing me to leave the village to chronicle his adventures. But the short answer to my amazing intelligence comes from being a simple librarian with too much free time."

She blinked slowly. "Iliasville has a library?

I chuckled in self-depreciation "Now it's something of a public library surprisingly enough. It might not have every text known to man but I get by learning the simple facts and piecing together the bigger puzzles."

"I suppose I could let you go." She tentatively uncurls her tail. "But I am rather… hungry." Only to tighten its hold forcing me to feel her get unnaturally hot.

Ah shit, here we go again. "I should still have a breakfast sandwich left. It should still be warm if you want it?" Thank the Goddess for food storage that keeps the food warm and unspoilt. I could not handle the idea of eating cold leftovers.

She startled a bit, and the heat subsided. Her hunger however had not as my ration of sandwiches dwindled drastically. I cried a little on the inside since those were supposed to last me a day and a half.

* * *

I sat outside Luka's house contemplating my life choices. Realistically I could have stayed in the village and avoided the stupid of the outside world. I hadn't even lost sight of the village when first leaving and already I wanted to die in shame for knowing there are people in the world just a s bad as them. Was it worth proving my moral and intellectual superiority to people I had not yet met? The reasonable answer would be no. But like any bad situation, I held onto the hope that one day I would meet someone who wasn't unreasonable, or a dumbass, or an unreasonable dumbass.

"What are you doing here Roxas?"

With the man of the hour here, I had to give my apology that I had practiced for all of two minutes. "Luka I'm so sorry. It's just, she started talking about how she was hungry and I had to throw all my remaining breakfast sandwiches at her, and she just wandered into the village and I tried to stop her from getting in…"

"Woah slow down. You look as bad as I do. Why don't you come inside and rest for a bit." He said unlocking his already unlocked door. Opening it he pulled me inside as well.

"You're slow." said the monster who ate me out of house and home.

"I really did try and ditch her after she ate all my food." I sighed exhausted by today's stupid. "I have no idea how she got in and frankly I don't really care anymore."

"How did you get in? More importantly who are you?" he asked moving to close his curtains.

"Arisufi-zu Fateburn, you may call me Alice." she said as if she has gifted us with the Holy Grail. I wouldn't be surprised if she thought introducing herself was some great honor. "As for why I'm here I was interested in you, seeing whether or not you would be baptized."

I could see the blush explode across his face, as he misunderstood what exactly she meant by that and watched as he focused on a single part of that sentence. "I-I mean I'm flattered but we only just met and..."

"Not many people can say such a childish thing like a wish for coexistence without knowing the consequences. Having traveled all around the world, I can safely say that your opinion is a breath of fresh air. I want to see the moment you break down like your friend over there."

Somebody kill me now. I hate all these idiots.

* * *

**A/N: Almost as much as I hate this bad idea. Taking a little bit of info from everywhere to write this so if there are a few discrepancies let me know, m'kay?**

**Pro tip: since I know virtually nothing about this game writing for it isn't going to be a consistent thing. No set schedule or promised date of completion**


	2. Chapter 2

**Equal Opportunity Hatred**

**In which my headache gets even bigger joining this protagonist**

It started with a simple wish for peace after learning of the constant strife around the world, emboldened by his mother's dying wishes and the prophecy given to him by Ilias he set out, unbaptized into the world. It was a rocky start, not having Ilias's blessing but in the face of upcoming danger I was sure we would be fine.

I was wrong.

* * *

"YOU WASTED ALL OUR GODDAMN SAAAAAAAAAALT!" I screamed, pounding the ground in despair and frustration.

I wanted one moment. One moment of peace, tranquility, and sanity in this world and I was hoping to get it in our travel time. A Slug Girl ruined that, Luka ruined any chance of us having a good delicious meal. You could have blamed me for telling him "Hey dumbass, it's a slug. Use some salt to burn her a bit and make her go away," but notice I used the word 'some'. Not the whole damn bag of salt as I ran distraction. It was unnecessarily cruel for all parties. We get tasteless food, the Slug Girl gets scarred (probably for life), Luka probably dies via semen drainage for giving out tasteless food.

I would be safe since I don't feel like a main character. His bad end is not my bad end, thank you very much.

"Shut up already idio-"

"No you shut the fuck up you damn leech! That was all our salt until we reach Iliasville. That means I'm going to die a la bland taste. Tasteless food is disgusting food, and you ate up all the sandwich rations that were supposed to last US," I gestured towards myself and Luka. "An entire day! Those were specifically for this type of situation and I had to throw all of them at you because you didn't have the sense to bring food with you when travelling! And NO! Giving you semen was never an option for me damn it!"

I ranted and raved and shouted. Being limited by all these restrictions placed by Ilias and the village on my journey already put me in a bad mood. This was supposed to be my journey around the world, doing whatever it is a generic protagonist is supposed to do, and I'm stuck babysitting and praising this twat. I can't even go back since not only would I probably be smited to death by the goddess, but I'd also have no real income to buy food, and I refuse to live off charity. And writing down what happens during this cancerous clusterfuck of a journey is not only going to be taxing on my sanity, but quite possible my will to live in this insane world.

"Roxas… aren't you overreacting a little?" Luka made some peace motions toward me, like that's supposed to do anything for my temper. Sorry buddy. You can't appeal to my better sense. It ran off with the slug. "At least calm down a bit. I'm sure we can figure something out."

"Luka have you ever had plain unseasoned eggs on plain unbuttered bread and ingredients with no umami meant to complement your meal?" I shudder, trauma consuming my already fragile mind. "Because I have. It tastes like fucking dirt… No, even dirt has some redeeming quality to it. The experience was more like eating inked paper. A nightmarish hell I wouldn't wish on anybody."

Don't ask how I know what any of those things taste like.

"You know, maybe he has the right idea. We should be a bit more upset about this. Or rather finding solutions to solve our salt problem." Alice snarked, though that didn't stop her from ogling our belts.

We both pointedly ignored her.

"What about rock salt? I could try making food using that?" Luka suggested praising himself for his quick thinking. I can see him preening right now.

I stay quiet about this contemplating letting him possibly give us all food poisoning. I decide against it. "Ignoring the fact that it would possibly take hours not only to make, but also clean to ensure we aren't getting food poisoning, rock salt is also more acidic than sea salt. Even better, do you even know how to make it?"

No he didn't. I know he didn't. He happened to need the same information I did when leaving on this journey. I was just as naive as him thinking I could just make my own salt. Unfortunately I could only learn about making sea salt. An easy source of the stuff if we were in Iliasport. But we weren't and the ocean wouldn't be happening for another chapter or two.

I mean... what?

"I'm done with my dramatics for now, I suppose." I sighed getting up as if a marionette were pulled up by it's strings. "Let's just get going. We can hopefully figure something out before we set up camp..."

I can only pray that we can somehow turn this horrible situation around. We couldn't find a real substitute for the missing salt so maybe a bit of hunting would do us some good? Meat is a universally good food after all. Hopefully if we make jerky or something we could find a way to incorporate it into a meal.

"Wait..." Luka then took a glance at the sky. Following his movements I did as well.

The sky was purplish taking an orange glow as the sun started to set.

* * *

We didn't hunt. It was way too late in the day to do that and the only one who _possibly_ had night vision was Alice and I don't think either of us were in any particular mood to ask her for help.

"So what's for dinner?" said unhelpful travel companion who really has no reason to be on this journey with us.

It was bread, an omelette and wild grass salad. I cried a little into my food, the salty tears helped my feel slightly better about eating grass and eggs. Though Alice was happy enough with dinner.

Sitting by the fire entranced by it's glow I briefly consider throwing myself in with the wood. It might cause the fire to spread across my body, maybe get some grass and set everything in the vicinity on fire.

The thought was very brief, I assure you. I was not going to take them out in my suicide. I'd much rather be alive to take them out.

My thoughts might've been extreme considering I had only started interacting with these people today. But they aren't people I can walk away from and ignore for the rest of my life. I was stuck with them, and their quirks were not endearing me to them. Luka having a goddess backing him, and we can't seem to ditch Alice.

"...if only you were as good with your sword." said Alice as my awareness expanded outwards from my inner monologue. "Where'd you learn your technique? It's so horrible it pains me to watch you swing it around."

From an outsider's perspective Luka's swings seemed powerful. When I say outsider, I mean people who've never seen a sword. He at least knows how to hold a sword, swinging it and managing to properly hit a target was a different matter.

"Hey! I spent 5 years training and learning from pilgrims who come to visit the temple!" He said indignantly.

I pitied the poor guy. I'm not sure he ever saw those people again.

"I mixed the different techniques into my own style."

"Stop right there. "Mixed different techniques" into an original style?" I asked unconsciously making strangling movements. "That is not how sword styles work. Well it is, but not the way you're describing what you did."

"I like this one. Where did you even find him?" she asked approving of my existence apparently. "Back to the subject at hand. No. You don't simply mix techniques to make a sword style. After all, crappy skills learned from crappy people will be crappy even when combined."

Ouch. I wasn't going to say anything that being too cruel, but I also can't help but admire her style.

"So I suppose I could train you to be less crappy. Pick up your sword." she commanded.

"While you do that I might as well log today's events." I said pulling out the thick journal I had tucked away before we got to setting up camp.

"Log today's events? What does that mean?" she asked.

"Roxas here was appointed my Chronicler." Luka explained. "He's supposed to be recording the events of my journey as they happen. It's why he's been writing in the middle of fights."

"You seriously do that? Just stand there while your friend is in trouble and take notes?" Alice nudged me with her tail, a teasing lilt in her voice.

"Yes." I replied simply. If that was supposed to make me feel bad she had another thing coming. Lucas over here could get fucked for all I care. It would be good for him to unwind like that with his high strung heroic attitude.

Going over my notes, there wasn't really much considering all that happened was the Slime Girl attack, Alice's crash landing, the prologue of Luka's travels, my journey to buy a flask for alcohol, Alice sticking to us like glue as we left the village. It sounds like a lot but realistically half the shit that caused these things to happen follow my world's rules of logic.

Oh wait, one more thing.

"Luka, today was your first day fighting monsters right?" I asked making another side note along with the earlier notes from the slime.

"Yeah that's right. How'd you know?" he asked.

"A hunch." Now let's see here.

* * *

_Chronicles of the Adventures of Chosen Hero Luka_

_He embarked on a quest to save the world, starting with a simple wish for peace after learning of the constant strife around the world, emboldened by the prophecy given to him by Ilias he set out, unbaptized into the world. It was a rocky start, not having Ilias's blessing but in the face of upcoming danger I was sure we would be fine._

_The first adventure began when a Slime Girl began assaulting the village Lumberjack. When coming to warn everyone of the danger, Ilias had revealed that the prophecy began here, sending us out to confront the threat. Ahead Luka charged, and close behind was I, the author to take note of his first battle._

* * *

I stop there for a bit thinking back on that 'fight'. It was an utter train wreck of Luka getting molested by a serial rapist, then me getting molested by her, and Luka using my distraction to bash her with his scabbard until she ran away to who knows where. I have to put this kindly for the people and ensure that I don't get smited. After all, I wasn't kidding about how Luka was a Hero chosen by his God. Gods tend to be very vengeful towards people who offend them, and I didn't want to be on the receiving end of that by insulting Luka and spreading this for the world to see.

Maybe I could have a separate diary where my true thoughts would lie? I'm pretty sure some writers do that and have it be a stark contrast to how they originally told the tale.

* * *

_It was his first fight with a monster, and he had felt nervous. However, hearing about the slime girls machinations over the years, he felt emboldened to drive her off by force. A scheme that went on for years to drain pilgrims seeking the Ilias Temple. As he aggressively slashed away ineffectively, I inspired him to use his scabbard instead. It wasn't that she couldn't feel the pain of his slashes, far from it. She simply healed any cut he had made. The pain was still there, just more bearable to her._

_When he bashed her with his scabbard however, she yelped in pain, which drove the point home for her as she continued yelping with each strike, When she couldn't take it anymore she slithered off, presumably to never be seen again._

* * *

It wasn't much but I think it was a good start. Not every story is entrenched in action and drama but this is a story of humble beginnings. And there's no reason to make it more than what it actually was. Still I might as well clue in Alice on what I'm about to do. "Hey Alice-"

"It is said that the Dark Elf Zack was able to cut off the heads of 100 humans with that move."

Wait. What.

"I was actually kinda hoping that you could teach me a Hero-like technique." Luka sheathed his sword. "But I guess beggars can't be choosers." He sighed.

No seriously, what the fuck kind of training did I miss happening just now?

"No they cannot. Especially ones around your level of training. A decent physical foundation, just lacking in finesse." Alice nodded to herself. "Now what is it that you want?"

I could ask what the hell she's been teaching the hopeless hero or I could ask the more important questions about whether or not she should be included here. For the sake of my sanity… "How do you want to be included here? I know you fell out of the sky, but you've been acting… cagey about yourself. I was going to write you off as a mysterious character but if you have any preferences on how I should portray you, I'd like to know now."

"Why don't I get a say in how you portray me?"

I'm squinting now. I'm squinting hard at this kid. "You're getting an entire book dedicated to you that basically extols your virtues, what more do you want from me?"

"You still have training to get done, you can worry about that later. I don't care how you write as long as I don't look bad."

Her funeral, not my problem either. Mysterious pain in the ass stereotype she will be.

At the time I had no idea how accurate my words would be.

* * *

Unknown to us, a Lamia was falling from the sky in the afterglow of Luka's victory. We didn't know where she came from nor what she was doing before she impacted the ground. When she did, Luka in his infinite kindness rushed in to aid her in a time she would've needed help.

When we did arrive at the small crater, the first thing I did take notice of, was her tail. It was red, long and tribal tattoos, marking the entire left side of her human half. A bra and skirt made of black metal plating. It screamed of power and class to me, and Luka continues on uncaring of her monster features, making sure to check her vitals.

She was fine as it turns out. Quickly slithering a bit away from us to lean on the snake half and look down on us. She seemed important ina sense, her presence commanded attention. She laughs at Luka's dream of world peace, mocking his naivete for his heroic ideology. He attempted to leave seeing as she was unharmed. But now she follows us in the hopes that his determination is crushed by the cruel world of monsters hoping to drain him.

* * *

Having finished writing for the night I re-strap the journal to my leg and bundle up in my sleeping bag. "Good night you two."

Oh wait the slug girl. Forgot about that. Oh well I can't be bothered to write about it just yet. I can still taste the bitter grass on my tongue. Taking a heavy swig of beer to wash out the awful taste, I prepare myself to mentally black out.

* * *

The sun is about to start shining, my stomach is growling and we haven't got much food left. Or rather we have no more meat. I had packed a crossbow and quiver of 30 bolts in the hopes that I could see some action, steal some glory.

'Now is the time to use them,' I thought to myself, locking the crossbow onto my arm. A bolt already primed and ready to fire at a moment's notice, 'It's time to go hunting.'

Finding prey was going to be hard, catching it wasn't going to be any easier. But being a former scout who was a pretty decent archer in high school, I was sure I would be able to catch something before those 2 woke up.

"Going somewhere?"

"OH Jeez fuck!" I nearly unloaded a round at her out fear. "Don't sneak up on me like that Alice. Almost shot you for no reason."

She raised an eyebrow in amusement, "Ignoring that laughable statement, what are you doing?"

"Hunting for meat." I said proudly holding my crossbow up aiming into the treeline. "Figured we could use something meat for breakfast that does not belong to a human male."

There's no way I'll willingly give her an opening to slip in some innuendo. She's a monster after all, a pretty passive one from what I've seen so far, but not one unwilling to lead us into a bedroom for "fun".

"You'd rather have another female in the party and feed them than me? Disgusting pervert. You would enjoy having me watch."

I can't win with her. "Whatever. Did you want something?"

She stared at me impassively for a moment. "Nothing as of yet. I'll be joining you to hunt my own food."

Now I know whenever someone says "Nothing" they really mean something of some significance. But since she was willing to catch her own food (for Luka to cook I presume) it would make my job a bit easier, I was willing to let it slide in light of my drama yesterday. What made me think it was a good idea to cuss at the monster who has no qualms about ensaring me in her tail and raping me? It must have been the alcohol.

Having caught 2 rabbits for us to eat, I wasn't expecting Alice to come back with her own 2. I'm almost certain she mentioned hunting her own food, but her being a gourmet meant she probably needed more food than the average folk. he rabbits were tricky bastards, but with the help of nearly a third of the bolts, they stood no chance against me.

"What terrible aim… watching you shoot is like a tragic accident. Or rather like watching that fake Hero swing his sword around with his shitty style." she giggled softly behind her hand, mocking me with an annoying smirk.

The implications of her words brought an ugly sneer to my face. "Please don't compare me to that failure of all swordsmen. I'm just not used to using crossbows. I prefer using a regular bow instead of this thing, but comfort isn't exactly going to be a priority on this journey."

"I highly doubt you are much more competent with a bow than the Hero wannabe with his sword."

T-This bitch. I don't even care if she's a monster of some high rank. She's an absolute bitch in my book. "Well my priorities aren't combat. I just wanted to explore the world, see it's sights then go home." And by Home I meant my world. I'll just run through the plot, and find a deus ex machina that'll send me home. "Maybe along the way I'll get stronger too, but I'm not exactly willing to hedge bets on it since Luka is supposed to be the focus of the story."

"Life isn't a story, idiot. You can easily improve if you put in the effort. Though considering your profession I can't blame your pathetic outlook. All you do is sit around and dream of a future you won't ever work towards." She looked to me as if to solidify her statement as fact. It was horribly ironic since, yes this was an actual story from a visual novel, and I'm the author everyone writes out of the final product.

I mean most of what she said isn't wrong about how I live my life, but it shouldn't matter to people like her. "Don't go around plastering your own problems onto other people simply because you can't ever acknowledge your own faults you worthless leech."

The glare I received in response however was not worth the backtalk. I had a feeling this would either be a quiet walk back or one where my life would be in danger.

* * *

Getting back to camp after the tense silence I had caused with my careless words was relieving.

"I've received a divine revelation from Ilias!" Luka exclaimed bursting out of his tent like the sun was coming out of his ass. "Isn't it amazing?! The goddess hasn't abandoned us after all!"

Getting back to camp after I caused such a dangerous situation was stressful, considering he's saying this about the Monster hating goddess with a high ranking monster right on my ass.

"That's great Luka. But why are you praising Ilias while the monster who would be killed by most of her followers around?" I mean make no mistake, I'm glad his oblivious ass was there to save me from my own motor mouth with a timely distraction, but I kinda need him alive too.

"Idiot. Be more aware of your situation." Alice chided hatefully glaring at the two worshipers of that damn goddess. I really do wish that I wasn't one of them. We don't need Alice to have a powder keg temper whenever she's dealing with us. There's already one too many people already like that.

But not even Alice in her hatred and pessimism could kill the excitement emanating from Luka about his dream. After all this doesn't exactly involve her.

"Ilias told me about how you have the same dream I do. Do you really believe in cooperation between monsters and humans?"

If I was to be perfectly honest the answer would be a hard and resounding… "No. Not in the way you are imagining it. It WAS something I had contemplated but ultimately abandoned not long after I started exploring the possibility."

"W-What?"

Alice nodded, as if I had chosen the correct and expected answer. "As expected from a hopeless human like you. Giving up before you truly start."

"But why? What's wrong with wanting peace between humans and monsters?" Again, I could hear the whine in Luka's voice. It was no more tolerable than the first time.

"Absolutely nothing." I replied curtly.

"Huh? You aren't making any sense…"

Idiot.

"I agree, your words and general attitude are quite contradictory. Explain."

Idiots. Plural. "I mentioned when we first met Alice that dealing with the monster's need for semen would be nigh impossible, especially if people are devout followers of Ilias. It'd be worse if they're a part of Ilias Kreuz."

"Ilias Kreuz?"

"Long story short, they're terrorists. Killing monsters in the name of Ilias, children and innocents who probably never have seen a human before." Luka mindlessly replied.

"Even with the point that Ilias Kreuz tries to make, failing horribly at that, they are somewhat justified by monsters like the slime we encountered earlier today." I said reminding him that she was assaulting people before we even met her. "Human trafficking rings, monster trafficking rings, slavery, deaths by rape and torture. There are so many issues getting in the way of the 'peace' that you speak of happening all around the world that if you move to solve one problem, you create another for the other side."

"T-that's not... humans can't enslave monsters." Alice scoffed at Luka's weak defense. "Besides I'd stop them! It's what a hero would do."

Ignoring his protagonist's cliche words, I go for the ending strike. "Even if it wasn't a real thing, if you move to save humans monsters will naturally oppose you, believing that you would slaughter monsters. Moving to save monsters also causes issues since their sex drives are much higher than that of a human's, meaning that not only would you become a 'traitor to the human race' but also the 'savior of monsters', becoming someone who simply HAS to be rewarded by the damsel in distress, ultimately leading to your death."

[CRITICAL STRIKE! Luka takes 5 damage.] The verbal lashing I give this boy using facts and logic physically hurts him.

I was serious about exploring the possibility of simply having the two races simply live side by side not really ruining each others lives but simply living in a village much like ours. Segregation wouldn't be much of an issue as long as monsters don't kill men by draining them dry of semen. They are fairly attractive females from what I've seen so far and that means they also have an audience which finds them attractive enough to forget human women and simply fuck monster girls all day. Coexistence is possible if a little tense due to human women now lacking a decent supply of men looking to impregnate and start families, making them "no good".

It's really hard looking for a win-win situation. Or rather win-win-win.

"Tell you what. I'll throw my lot in with you on this journey. I'll help guide you to a path where everyone's happy just like you want." I pat his shoulder in resolution of this idea. "All you have to do is listen to a couple stories and lectures I had planned. If you don't learn anything from it, I'll be cutting off funding and resources for this journey."

Really it's such a good deal. All he has to do is listen to me ramble for half an hour or so.

I got rejected soundly. He glared at me for a bit saying, "You live in the same village as me what would you know that I don't?"

Surprisingly a lot, though I stay silent on that matter. I think he was more upset at me for ripping apart his wonderful fantasy like that. I should probably move on to more important matters. "We caught rabbits to eat for breakfast by the way. I'd rather not have breakfast without meat." I said, horribly transitioning topics.

"Right. Once we finish we should get going to reach Iliasburg by evening." He was terse but thoughtful as he got to work cooking.

It was my first time eating rabbit fried rice.

No, I wasn't upset that I wouldn't get the chance to tell some stories from my world. I just thought Luka would have loved to hear about some generic hero type anime characters. Or at least the more Idealistic of the bunch. Maybe tell him about stories that don't actually end in overwhelming happiness. That would surely help him understand how I think.

I've always wanted to try indoctrination.

* * *

_A slug girl had intercepted us when we left at noon. She had donned the facade of an elegant noble seeking help from "brave and strong adventurers" baiting them into a mucus covered vagina that drained you of all fluids. Like the slime girl we encountered earlier that day she was practically immune to Luka's slashes. Fortunately she had a weakness we could exploit._

_Salt._

* * *

"I've only been to Iliasburg once before, a few years ago. It was a big city." Said Luka bringing me out of my depression induced writing.

Wow. What a helpful description. "Really? How else would you describe it?"

"It was also pretty crowded. There were plenty of travelers, merchants, and all sorts of people going about their days. There was a lot to see in their shops too."

"Hehehehehe." Alice chuckled a bit to herself. "I'm looking forward to seeing such a place."

What a creepy laugh.

She continued. "Supposedly the famous Sutherland Inn is known for their Happiness Honey filled Ama-ama dango."

Honey filled dango… For once she said something that had managed to catch my interest. I have never had any type of dango. This would be an interesting experience.

"Any gourmet would salivate at the thought of it. It's pretty much the only reason I deem the town worthy enough to have my attention." Alice haughtily laughed acting like a true noble.

"Isn't that travel guide you're relying on 500 years old? How in the world are you going to find the place? What if the place closed down in the time since the guide was made?" Luka rightfully asked.

I had my own opinion on this matter. "With a supposedly renowned recipe like that I find that unlikely, unless the recipe was shared or something along those lines." Thinking about I wondered. "Who would serve it to complete strangers like us though?"

"It's only been 500 years, I doubt something as great as this dango could be lost to as little time as that." She froze up, falling behind us. When I turned back to see what the issue was she was gone.

That was the first clue that something was wrong.

"What's that in the middle of the road?"

A random plant with 3 leaves was sprouting from under the ground. The leaves were quite big for something that looks like it was planted recently, and the oddest choice would be to plant it on what was clearly a marked path. All in all it just screamed wrong to me.

"I've got a bad feeling about that plant."

"Well what do you thi- Alice?" He appears to have only now noticed Alice's disappearance. "Where'd she disappear off to?"

"She probably disappeared the moment that plant appeared I guess. Why don't we investigate it a bit, and see what's up."

"I thought you weren't going to help me on this journey?"

"Go poke at the plant already asshole."

What I did not expect him to do was pull the thing up by the leaves. What I expected even less was for it, or rather her, to start screaming. The shock value of it all knocked me on my ass. Most surprisingly of all I couldn't even move.

I hate mandrakes, they were stupid in the Chamber of Secrets and they are just as bad in real life.

"Luka! We're dealing with a subspecies of Mandrake. Their screams can kill a man when fully matured, but we might be dealing with a younger variant."

I can't quite hear what's going on, what with my ears ringing quite a bit. I'm 90% sure that I also peed my pants. No. Wait That's just the Mandrake drooling on my pants rubbing away to stimulate my cock. This is the part where I would get aroused if it were a different situation but instead I found myself disgusted and angry.

Yes I did actually hard, but it's the sort of hard where you can hate fuck somebody. Not entirely pleasurable until they're writhing underneath you, whether it be from pain, pleasure, or fear.

Practice your breathing Roxas, circulate the blood in your body, and feel the nerves of every part that needs to move. If you can move you can deck this bitch dragging my body next to Luka's as he struggled to stand. Circulate, feel, and move. That's all I had to do to get out of this.

"Ara? You're both still struggling? Why don't you give up already?" My hearing had returned a moment too soon as now I can hear her sucking off Luka while she gives me a handjob. Circulate, feel, move. I could move my arms without much difficulty but my legs were still shaky, twitching and begging for release. Through sheer effort and practicing of No Nut Novembers did I manage to keep from cumming.

She could see that I was still moving, recovering at a faster pace than Luka. Trying to distract me with a blowjob, gave Luka his chance to start recovering despite going through his own handjob. So she kept changing positions more and more often trying to get us to cum, eventually just bobbing up and down between the two of us.

Focus, I thought to myself. Circulate the blood, hold it all in, force yourself to move. What started as a simple twitch, became a nudge and now I could kick her off of me, scrambling back letting the pressure slowly die down with my erection. Luka had also managed to recover holding his sword in a defensive manner as he got back on his feet, hoisting his pants and belt up with one hand.

"Fine! I see how it is!" She angrily pouted at us as if WE did something wrong pulling her out from the paved ground.

A moment of silence passed between us…

"Did you win that fight on your own?"

[Roxas gained 15 EXP]

"I did, didn't I?" I'm almost proud of myself if it weren't for the fact that I wasn't technically supposed to be fighting battles for Luka. Or putting myself in any potentially dangerous situation that could easily end my life. Dying from vacuum blowjobs and excessive cumming was not on my bucket list.

"That was awesome Roxas!" He certainly seemed enthusiastic about it. It's honestly a bit infectious. He's even doing the side bro hug, which honestly earned him a couple of points in my book.

"Indeed your potential to harass monsters truly is impressive. Maybe your barbaric attitude will force the humans to be proactive in the enslavement of monsters." I could feel the scathing sarcasm without even looking at her voice.

With the way Alice had put it, I think we really did do something wrong here. The power of hindsight is amazing with a little time. All we had to do was walk around her and continue making our way to Iliasburg.

"Going past your boorish attitude, that was also a sad and pathetic excuse for a fight. Your contradictory actions and words as well as your barbaric attitude never ceases to amaze me. Who knows, maybe you will find coexistence by simply dominating everyone." She held up a hand to her mouth quietly smirking and chuckling with such toxic smugness.

"Shut up Alice..." It hasn't even been a full day and already I'm too emotionally drained to deal with her. Damn I hate this world.

* * *

_Our next encounter with a monster was some subspecies of Mandrake called Mandragora. Unlike a Mandrake's lethal scream, her scream only paralyzed us, throwing our positional awareness into disarray. With proper circulation exercises I had gained enough control of my body to kick her away. Luka however through sheer force of will or dumb luck had simply powered through his paralysis to put up a fight. However seeing as we had both recovered, she had slipped away into the Earth, and neither I nor Luka had a way to track her down to give her a proper beating._

* * *

"We're finally here." I sighed in relief my eyes closed off from the world. "Finally we can get back in actual beds, and not worry about dealing with any out of the ordinary situations… Or worry about someone coming into our camp and having random sex with us."

"But… I'm pretty sure the town is on fire."

"Silly Luka… if they were in trouble, people would be screaming for help."

"Somebody help us! Get the Adventurers! The Guards! ANYBODY HELP!"

"Really they could be late delivering something that doesn't mean-"

"It's Granberia! One of the Four Heavenly Knights!"

I sighed in resignation. "Fine… go save the town. Not like there was anything else for us to do." He was already gone by the time I started my mild jog to the Event.

* * *

Granberia, the Heavenly Knight of Fire was of Dragonkin. Well known swordswoman who valued the sword over sex when it came to men. Both a relief and a nightmare to encounter so early in our journey. For one Luka still wields his sword like a limp dick. His swordplay is flimsy, and attacks so predictable any civilian could dodge. I'm not even sure he can even hit the broad side of a barn.

Guess we'll have to make do with this situation. A situation of fire and ash and what looks like the Adventurer's Guild being the center of it all. It burned brightly, enough so that we could see from the town's edge.

"What a boring city." She mourned uncaring of the flaming mess she left behind. "There isn't even a single strong opponent for me to fight here."

Sparing Luka a glance I could tell he was freezing up, it was a gradual thing, seeing his body devolve into a quivering mess.

"R-Roxas? What should we do?" He asked me also aware of who exactly was attacking this town of beginners.

The smart thing to do would be run. Run fast, run far and hope we never see her again. Though that wasn't an option, since I'm sure that leads to a dead end somehow. "We confront her, obviously." I move to do exactly that despite my rapidly beating heart and frayed nerves.

He grabbed my hand stopping me from taking those steps I needed to take but didn't want to. "But that's Granberia. One of the strongest monsters out there, practically unmatched in swordsmanship. You don't even have a weapon."

All of that was true, but... seeing her beat up on generic NPCs just sparks something in me, demanding that something be done.

_And so he took a step forward_

* * *

**(A/N): You actual like this? I have no idea why you think this is a good idea...**

**So tell me with a review.**

**Also.**

**There was supposed to be a [Bad End] posted at the end but the idea wasn't flowing well enough for my tastes. Might make a second story dedicated to the bad ends scattered about if I find enough creativity/inspiration.**

**Should I do it though?**


	3. Chapter 3

**Equal Opportunity Hatred**

**"In which I am way in over my head"**

_To be perfectly honest, if our lives ended there I wouldn't have been surprised. I didn't have any special skills or talents to get us both out of any combat situation and Luka still couldn't fight worth a damn. Realistically we should've stayed hidden, maybe let Granberia take over the town. I'm mildly sure the only difference would have been that humans would become a rarity in Iliasburg._

_The crimes Granberia had committed were arson and battery, pretty serious charges in my book. Although no one would miss the lazy layabouts and their hideaway, it didn't sit well with either of us for her to act like a terrorist and people will just shrug and say good riddance._

_Once again, the people had left the defense of their home to NEETs who spend no time training or preparing for the inevitable assault that would one day happen. They fear her with perfectly good reasons to boot. There was no one to protect them from the overpowered second to final boss._

_Everything could have been avoided if people just took responsibility for their own lives._

_But then again, that would make the heroes Ilias churns out annually obsolete._

_And that most certainly will not do._

* * *

Seeing Granberia bully 3 of the Iliasburg guardsmen wasn't really pleasant for Luka and I, and watching her say she would take over the town didn't sit well with either.

He took a step forward mustering whatever courage he had to face the threat that would certainly get in the way of his mission.

I, however stayed behind, despite my bold words.

I was scared.

Dying was always something of a sensitive topic for me. I knew if I acted too rashly I would die.

I had no weapon to use against her. No martial arts to use to deflect even her regular swordplay or her fire/sword style. I had probably had some potential for magic given my unique circumstances, but knew no spells to cast.

I was a liability here. Along with all the other downed guards.

So while Luka took a step forward preparing himself to fight for the people, I was forced to wait by the side anxious to act but unable to do anything to help him in his fight. I would be forced to move the unconscious bodies.

What a pain, I thought. But at least we won't be right in the line of fire. I was dragging away the other unconscious bodies and weapons before the last of guards ran, fleeing in terror from Granberia's aura and skill alone.

Weapons… all of them unbroken, nor melted, but still viable for use…

Hmm.

* * *

This is what a hero does I told myself over and over. They protect the people, defending towns and villages, slaying evil that will not stop.

But why I am I facing such a high level boss so early? I can only pray that Ilias protect my soul.

Giving a quick prayer to Ilias for safety I step forward to meet the dragon woman in the middle of her challenging silence.

"Now that I've taken control of the city…"

No you haven't! Not while I can still fight! "S-stop right there!" Man… I've always wanted to say something like that and I blew it by stuttering in front of this high level enemy.

But seeing her only glance at me, my legs were already shaking.

"What was that boy?" She's talking to me. Her eyes are really intense too, but… "A sword? So you're not just a boy, but a warrior then. I'll be sure to treat you as such." Granberia the Heavenly Knight of Fire was saying that, but it didn't feel right.

Her sword was out, she was in her stance, yet… I felt like she was looking down on me. She was so strong, feeling the need to use such powerful attacks against the townguards, but using such a basic stance against me...

"I… I am a warrior…" I said slowly building my courage and determination. I refused to let my arms and legs continue shaking. Holding up my sword I can confidently say this. "So I won't just let you do whatever you want."

"Good answer" she says giving me a savage grin. "Now come at me!" Now she's brandishing her sword with a stronger, more confident stance.

It may not be advantageous of me, but I've been training my whole life for this. I refuse to be treated like a baby because of my size.

I pull back my sword and swing with all my strength. "TAKE THIS!"

[Miss]

"Eh?" She's gone? Did I win already?

Something swipes at my feet knocking me on my behind.

[Luka takes 3 damage]

Wait, did she just trip me? When I attempt to get up however Granberia steps on my groin stopping me then and there.

"GODDAMMIT LUKA!" I hear Roxas shouting in the background. You can't exactly blame me for not seeing her coming now can you? She was moving way too fast…

"You're too green. Are you fresh off the training field?" Their combined insults cause my nostrils to flare a bit in frustration. "You're young, so it's expected for you to make mistakes like that. Though I respect your willingness to fight while the adults are hiding in cowardice, there won't be a second time where I spare you for your ignorance."

It's hot, yet cold. Seeing her step off, backing away as if she's already won the fight burns something inside me. Something fierce.

"I'm not done yet," I shout holding my sword tighter, my stance more focused. "I can still keep going."

"Going to ignore my advice then?" Again she's already won in her mind, but I can still fight. If I can still fight, I can still win. "I already told you there won't be a second chance for you."

It's her loss once I do this. Shifting into another stance, my eyes lock onto her neck. Cut through it. That's the target. The blade's tip aimed horizontally towards her neck. I can see it all.

Leaping forward, I use the move Alice had taught me… [Demon Decapitation]!

Seeing Granberia's eyes widen as I leap forward eases my temper a bit, but now that I've started… I WON'T STO-

[Miss] She dodged to the side, easily too.

Eh?

* * *

Seeing him move so smoothly executing that attack, I almost thought he was someone else. Seeing him miss however, was to be expected.

A straightforward attack to someone who can move faster than your vision can perceive? Especially using what looks like an assassination technique? He was guaranteed to fail the moment he jumped.

Though seeing him get the shit knocked out of him after his cleaner and more professional attack, is convincing me that maybe I should get involved sooner rather than later. He's bleeding a bit from the mouth now implying that he might have internal bleeding.

"Now who was it that taught you that move. Tell me who it was exactly who it was that taught you that?"

That's what she's on about now?! Why is he staying silent? This whole matter could be resolved if he had just said "Alice". Who was clearly someone important in the monster world... somehow.

Probably sensing my thoughts he turned towards me, as far as he could anyway shaking his head.

No? What do you mean no? "No" as in don't tell her, or "No" don't try and fight her. I promise you I'd at least not do one of those things.

The guards were now out of the way. Swords pilfered and jammed into the cracks between the stone bricks.

"TALK!" [Luka took 46 damage.]

Shit, I gotta hurry or he'll die.

"I did enough damage to the point where you won't die." Granberia said, as if knowing that when someone's bleeding they get closer to death. "I held back just enough to the point where you won't die immediately. Now who taught you that move."

Still he stayed silent, glaring defiantly at her. I know he wants to be a hero, but I have no use wrtiting about a matryr so stubborn and prideful he'd rather die than mention his teacher's name.

Greaves fit, not necessarily snug on my hands, but protective nonetheless. Everything was set. Finding the moment to start with Luka still in the crossfire would be difficult.

A sword is already in one hand and many more are in my vicinity for use I declare myself ready. One is primed for use, with my other hand is twitching to get at the rest of them.

"Not going to say?"

Ready… I thought to myself holding the sword in a reverse grip. I'm never ready but now's a good time to start as any.

"Granberia quit being an idiot." said… Alice?

What the hell is she doing here? Didn't she stay out of conflicts and only came with us to watch Luka suck at life? And more importantly, why does she have human legs and skin all of a sudden? Does she have her snake tail tucked away somewhere or is it fake?

"A-Alice," said Granberia backtracking… and pretty damn hard while we're at it. She's kneeling towards her now in submission.

"What are you doing Granberia? Who ordered an attack on this town?"

"I-I did." She's even stuttering like a whipped child. "I decided to get rid of the annoying Heroes by-"

"Go away." she didn't smile, there was her imperial attitude again. This time her attitude felt well deserved. Like a true noble, for once giving orders instead of being a general nuisance.

"...what?"

This was a bit concerning. To my knowledge (not a whole lot) there is no known rank above the Heavenly Knights barring the Monster Lord.

"If you go wild in the middle of town I won't be able to eat my Ama-ama dango." Her pupils were even more slit, showing off a bit of her true form. A more serpentine look than before. "I refuse to allow anyone to get in the way of my meal."

"If you want something like that just let me take over the city and…"

"I said go away." Alice is glaring now. A glare so strong it felt the world had darkened just a little more at that one action. "Are you going to make me repeat myself a third time?"

The Monster Lord was chosen in a Battle Royale between the strongest of beings and the winner is named the definitive Monster Lord. The runner-ups would serve as the Heavenly Knights, the vanguard for monsterkind, and first protectors of the Monster Lord.

"...if it is your will." Granberia conceded solemnly. "By your leave."

Seeing Granberia disperse into magic put an obvious thing into perspective for me.

We were traveling with a living target for the Heroes fighting in Ilias's name. And the most idealistic and naive of them said to her face that he wants the Monster Lord to stop doing bad things.

With hindsight he kinda made himself look more like an asshole than a dumbass. There's an important distinction with one being an kinda alright if a little stupid, the other being unlikeably stupid. I'll let you guess which category I put Luka in.

So yeah Alice could be Monster Lord. That at least deserves a laugh. So I gave it one.

It wasn't a particularly funny situation, but with Luka almost dying out of sheer stubbornness. I almost drew the attention of the Dragon Knight onto my own vulnerable self unnecessarily, and having Alice bail us out after being a nonfactor this entire time. The build up and immediate tension relief was just too much for me.

"They actually did it…" a generic NPC was peeking out from their door. Their generic features becoming nothing more than a blank black blur in my eyes. "They actually drove off such a powerful looking monster… "

"Are they heroes?" Yet another faceless nobody said actually stepping outside. "It must have been a battle of epic proportions, and we missed it."

"Hurray for our new heroes!"

It was the biggest lie I had ever not told to anybody. The many scattered blades and our tired yet satisfied smiles told enough for them to glorify us.

Sighing, feeling everything just overwhelm me, I said the one thing on my mind that I was sure no one would hear.

"I wanna die."

* * *

Life for the villagers moved on, and seeing as the day was ending we would be retiring at the Inn famous for its dango. Unfortunately, like all good adventurers, we had forgotten to take into account pricing for lodging

"3.6 million for ONE night's rest?"

"I only have enough to stay here for about 18 seconds, 9 if Alice plans on banking off of us."

"Maybe I should have let Granberia take over the city after all…"

Yeah… we weren't exactly pleased with this development.

Finding the Sutherland Inn was a lot easier than expected. Citizen A had provided us with directions and given that this amazing looking building with the big bold letters.

"Oh don't worry about that!" she heartily waved away our concerns. "It's fine for the heroes of our town, who'll receive the Hero's discount. 2 gold pieces a person."

Oh thank fuck I didn't have to rob Inns blind in order to be able to sleep in a proper bed. I am so glad that we aren't going broke trying to find a place with reasonable pricing. From the looks of it so is Luka. Alice however couldn't seem to give a flying fuck about the situation.

"We'll just bill the last 3 million to the Temple of Ilias."

I really love this place. It has high prices, supposedly great food, and is good at pissing on the temple of Ilias by charging the place a King's ransom. In fact, I'm sure I saw Alice beaming in delight at the thought of staying here for the rest of her natural life.

Using the Hero's discount of course.

Luka however looked like Death frozen over. "I-Is that really-"

"Oi get me the Hero's discount as well." said some Chad in shining armor. "I've been baptized so I know I can get it."

Who's this douchebag? I've certainly never seen him before, acting all smug and shit.

The matron scowled, a complete 180 compared to her carefree and cheerful demeanor with us. "You were one of the first people to pack up and start running. Why don't you do the same here and get the hell out of my inn."

"S-still I'm a hero too… so…" the faux knight is trembling bit before this woman with no armor or visible weapon. How did a snake like him get to be a hero? "I still deserve it!"

I have a lot of respect for people who deal with the public. Especially when their job is to directly serve other people. So seeing this guy demand a discount for something he didn't earn nor was he offered… Well I think the matron could properly express how it feels.

I SAID. Get the HELL," A ladle flies true, hitting him square in the face, knocking him on his ass. "OUT of my Inn. Don't make me repeat myself."

Seeing him crab walk back out the door made me a bit happier. The matron also looks pleased with herself, reverting back to her happy demeanor earlier.

Last thing I wanted to do was offend her, slapping a hand atop Luka's head forcing him to bow alongside me. "Thank you for your kindness matron." I refused to be denied a bed and breakfast because Luka decided to be honest about his position as a Hero. I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't even care about his lack of baptism seeing her treatment of the earlier supposed hero.

Seeing Luka almost get us the full price out of the sheer honesty of his personality was more than a bit worrying. Was he really going to turn down the generosity that she was willing to provide for us in return for standing up for everyone?

I mean Alice technically did all the work, but the fact that he was trying to force us out into the cold after being offered an out I'm pretty sure he'd be strangled and drained in his sleep.

* * *

"That was an interesting day." Alice snidely commented. She had reverted back to her Monster form without us looking. Which makes me wonder where her boots go when she uses her human form. "It was especially interesting seeing the 2 idiots almost throw their lives away fighting an enemy clearly above them."

"Alice, we aren't even in our room yet, don't go transforming out in the open. Besides we're fine. Roxas didn't fight Granberia," I looked away trying not to reveal any essence of my guilt. "He just made sure to get the soldiers out of the way so they wouldn't get hurt in the crossfire."

Cue nervous sweating. Nervous sweating? I'm not nervous. It's just really hot in this very confined room. Is that a tail snaking (heh) around my legs? I wonder whatever Alice is doing?

"Oh ho. So you hadn't noticed it?" she held up a hand to her mouth mirthfully hiding her false smile. Her tail is rising up my legs, constricting me more and more. "The many weapons you had stabbed into the ground around you? Those weren't graves, you moronic hero."

"They weren't?" He's clueless as always, and for once I'm praying that his cluelessness never find out what those were really for. "Then what were they in the ground for?" Damn it Luka you aren't supposed to ask questions. You were supposed to keep quiet like the good protagonist you were and make up your own excuse as to why the blades were where they were.

"Well?" Alice said tightening her hold on me. There was no way out of this. I'd have to tell the truth.

OR I could completely bullshit my way out of this.

This wouldn't exactly be easy however. I have to mix some measure of truth into this. Directly saying I was going to throw weapons at Granberia as a viable strategy of fighting her was not only retarded but practically guaranteed suicide if she had caught wind of what I thought of doing.

"I…" could have said anything. Said that I would abandon Luka (Horrible idea). That I would pawn off the objects Luka had if he would have died (Even worse). Or that I planned to use bullshit magic and bombard her using magical copies of the weapons that I planned to launch at mach 3 (What?). "Was going to throw a bunch of weapons at her to see whether or not they would actually injure her."

"Roxas!" Fuck! I actually told him the truth. "Why did you do something so reckless? I had it all under control."

"I wouldn't exactly call getting curbstomped because you didn't want to use Alice's name to bail yourself out, "Under control"." I didn't have to explain myself to him so I wasn't going to. I'm turning this on him. It's his fault things turned out the way it did. "Besides I wouldn't have done anything if your ass wasn't getting kicked so badly. The one attack that looked smooth and professional was clearly not meant for frontal assault against a superior opponent. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were willingly jumping to your death."

Slightly forgotten Alice had released her hold on me. I was more focused on meeting Luka's glare which might've supposed to have been seen as apocalyptic, but not only do I see him as a non-threat, he wouldn't go that far with his words. "Well unlike you, I spent all my life preparing to leave the village to save the world. Your only with me because you couldn't make the journey on your own. Yet despite needing my help you've done nothing but harass and bully everyone we've come across starting fights. You're less helpful than even Alice!"

"You're damn right I couldn't make the journey on my own. That's why I came with you. No one would have even dreamed of letting me leave the village on my own because I pursued knowledge on the world over knowledge on how to fight. The only reason you're still around is because I've not only been unwilling bait and participant of YOUR battles, but a genuine guide on how the outside world works. Or did you forget the Slime Girl, Slug Girl, and Mandragora? It may not always have the battle advice you so desperately need but I'm trying to help you damn it."

"I'm the hero between the two of us, you shouldn't have to put yourself in danger like that. I can't afford to take you with me if things get too tough to handle."

He was right. I didn't have to put myself in danger like that and he wasn't going to let this go, because I WAS in the wrong. That didn't take away the sting of frustration at the blatant hypocrisy.

"Fine. Whatever, just do your hero thing and I'll do mine." My thing is getting shafted to the sidelines as someone so incompetent in so many ways outshines me, and I have to glorify his efforts. What a pain in the ass.

"Wait what's it matter to you Alice? Weren't you here to see Luka fall into despair or something?" I asked ignoring him squawk. Our argument had already ended and I had temporarily forgotten Alice had been the one to instigate this completely avoidable drama.

"I can't have half of my entertainment dying a sad and pathetic death. If getting the fake hero to lecture you keeps you alive I'll gladly sit on the side and quietly laugh."

So you did this to get a little drama out of us?

"This place really does seem nice for a really old inn." Luka stated strongly. It wasn't a smooth transition but I'll take it over that mushy emotional shit I was feeling earlier. "Our room's right here." With the door open we could truly appreciate how nice the place we were staying at was.

Red curtains lined with a gold trim. 2 small end tables on the side of the large bed with it's own set of curtains for privacy. Everything about this place gave me the impression of what a Victorian Age house would look like.

"It is a lot nicer than I was expecting given this place's old age. Maybe it's nice because it has so much history. Like it accrued value as a place of historical importance," I said looking around the room in amazement. What kind of materials are these clothes made of? I'm getting the impression of silk. Wasn't this game made in Japan?

"What's that supposed to mean?" Luka blinked owlishly in confusion.

"Like a museum's artifact this place became more expensive and luxurious the longer it's been in business. Maybe they've added more as the years went on to excite more people and force them to pay more for each night." said Alice explaining things for me. "What a sleazy method of gaining profit. Perhaps you should have left Granberia to conquer the town for a more fair price at the inn."

"…A hero can't leave people in trouble like that Alice. Besides we got the Hero's discount so it's fine." I noticed he paused before saying that. I don't blame him for his treasonous thoughts. 2.4 million for a single night, and that's only for one person. It's highway robbery at it's finest.

"That discount was on a whim. I highly doubt they'll allow us to stay for long." Sighing I sure to ask them both. "So why are we here again? We can't exactly fork over 4 million if we stay another night."

"Idiot. The Ama-ama dango is the only redeemable factor of this worthless place." said the food beast herself. "No matter how luxurious their lodgings are it all becomes worthless the moment their cuisine isn't up to par."

Talk about a glutton. "I would wholeheartedly agree with you if it weren't for these extremely com-" I stop and look at the very singular bed in the room. "On second thought, I just remembered that I have stuff I need to do. I'll be back."

No I wouldn't be back. Seeing Luka's confused face made me want to help him out, even if he didn't know what the problem would be. But survival of the fittest and most self aware is at stake and I'd rather sleep in the lobby than dream of sleeping with those 2 in the same room. Alice has no qualms about milking us and I was willing to leave him to his fate if it meant not dealing with her sexcapades.

I'm back at the lobby of the hotel- sorry, inn. And I pulled out the journal to log today's events.

* * *

_Reaching Iliasburg I had to reconcile the idyllic image Luka had portrayed for me on the way there with the bright burning building which was engulfed in flames that could be seen from the town's edge. We had run down to see what the issue was._

_Going through the town, not a soul could be seen. No children, no afternoon shoppers, no townguards as far as the eye could see. Just darkened windows and empty streets. Town square however was different. It was there that we could see the building that burned so brightly. It was once the main building for the Adventurer's Guild that also doubled as the town guard._

_Granberia, Heavenly Knight of Fire, truly did live up to her name. As the flames danced behind her she looked for more challengers who sought to challenge her on the path to taking over the town. The number of bodies left in her wake were many and with every guard that was downed morale dropped eve further._

* * *

I blinked realising there was no light from the fireplace, no paper or pen in my hands. Only a void with a myriad of colors that slowly crawled by.

"Roxas… no… Imposter."

"Ilias… Did you need something from me?" I asked keeping my tone respectful in front of this goddess who pulled me out of my body.

"You nearly broke the rules on your contract. You are not allowed to interfere with the hero's journey."

"I apologize it just looked like he was going to die. No one was prepared to face a mid-tier boss like Granberia so soon."

"I won't tolerate your excuses." she said sharply. I flinched at the reproachful tone. "The point of you being with him was to ensure the journey is recorded and filed for future use. Hero Luka will be the one to lead us into a future humans can be proud of. NOT YOU. That was the deal we cut, and I expect you to honor it."

_Reminder after reminder. I'm not the main character. This isn't about me. Just stay in my role and I'll be fine._ "I understand. I won't be getting in his way anymore"

"So long as you agree to follow my rules, I have no issue with you being with him. All I ask is that you-" Ilias froze. Her eyes clouding over a bit, making an expression I couldn't quite read or understand.

I suddenly woke up stark naked in a bed that looked similar to the one in Luka's room, though the layout of everything seems different, and a bit more... occupied? I just got the feeling that there was more to this room than the one we were originally assigned. It was faint but I could also smell a faint trace of pheromones and sex.

Just great. I had probably lost my virginity and I had no recollection of the night.

* * *

I made no mention of last night's events. Neither did Luka, though going by the blush on his face it was for entirely different reasons. It's a bit odd though. I would have thought Alice would at least comment on something, but the dango she's happily munching on tells me that won't be for a while.

"Enjoying your dango?" asked the matron with a wide smile. "It's our Inn's finest specialty with a secret ingredient that's never been identified."

Blinking in surprise, I simply had to have one. "Can I have one?"

"No/Of course" Alice and the matron said at the exact same time. "Anything for our heroes."

The way she said that made me a bit nervous. I didn't mind lying to get a free bed and breakfast, but all this unearned praise is tickling me with guilt.

"Here you go." she placed down directly in front of me giving my shoulder a light squeeze. "Now eat up."

Feeling just the slightest bit uncomfortable. I pick up a single sick of dango, taking one in my mouth without much trouble. "It's pretty sweet. Diabetic even. The taste of honey is indeed strong and a mildly familiar texture on my mouth. I don't know a lot about japanese food so it could be anything really. A soft texture like this doesn't belong to pocky, so maybe something else? It doesn't really feel fried so it might be a kind of cake? But the only thing remotely similar that I've had before was mochi and it didn't really stand out too much. Maybe that's what the honey is for? But the only really similarities are-"

Unknowingly I had blurted out exactly what the ingredients were for Ama ama dango. Of course in my immersed thoughts I had noticed, not the matron's hand sliding up to cover my mouth, nor Luka's scandalized blush, or Alice's amused chuckling.

But you do notice when someone has their hand over your mouth, no matter how preoccupied with your thoughts. "Mmph?!"

"I can't have you spilling the secrets on our supply of Happiness Honey" she said completely dropping all pretenses of being coy. "So please forget all that… for me?" Lightly caressing my cheek, blowing a bit of air in my ear.

Did…

Did I really…?

Oh god… no way. I mean it's not that she's not attractive, but I have standards. One of them is not sticking the pen in a company's ink. That tends to end badly for ALL parties. I Do Not Need a Lawsuit in This New World*.

"Of course…" I say practically choking on the messy gooey bullshit I'm saying. I'm gonna hurl knowing these words come out of my mouth. "Begging with that look… nothing else would matter compared to you."

I could hear Luka and Alice gagging in the background. Yeah I know this was torture on your eyes but this is for the future of our journey. I get to release tension with someone mildly attractive and they get to reap the benefits of being with me. It may have been from out of nowhere but the important thing is that everyone stays happy at the end of things.

* * *

"That was disgusting. Even for you. How did someone with such a disgusting personality such as yours manage to get a one night stand."

"That's a story I'm not sure how to tell." And it was true. The circumstances that lead to me banging a Hotel Manager is a mystery to all except her. And asking her would be in horrible taste to ask after all the flirting we did.

"Creep. Pervert. Disgusting Pig."

Luka piped up in my defense seeing as I wasn't going to say anything. "Isn't that kind of rude?"

"Fake Hero… this thing is a creature no one should strive to emulate. It deserves no pity, and will leech onto anyone who shows it a modicum of pity or affection."

Oi oi. Most of those things might be true but you don't need to say it out loud.

"So what's today's destination." I ask before things devolve into "Reasons why Roxas is the scum of the planet".

"Before you… met up with the matron." You can say it out loud y'know. I did the horizontal tango. Fucked her. Slept with her. No need for discretion. "She had mentioned running low on supplies for making the Ama-ama dango. I'm going to investigate the issue on why they can't get anymore honey."

"Isn't it amazing? He's finally acting in the capacity as a hero. He may have started off lying to an entire city, but look at him. Fighting in the name of food, and this thing's damsel." Alice looks proud at his very first mission. Probably because it's in the name of food.

"Aren't you the damsel here?" I ask quirking an eyebrow. "I know you don't particularly care, but you could be like some kinda 'Damsel Drowning in Apathy'. Revolutionize the damsel, become better than an easily stressed wife."

She huffed, her earlier pride and joy gone. "Idiot. We aren't like that."

With the way Luka's face fell, I highly doubt that.

"Whatever you say… I have some work to catch up on… I had gotten two-thirds of the way done before I had to stop." I said unstrapping my journal and pen from my leg.

I ignore her from then on, not caring about her last remark. "Sure you simply HAD to stop writing."

"I'll be shopping for supplies, we'll be heading out when I'm done." said Luka. "Let's meet up here, when we're all done."

"I'll be here waiting then." I said not looking up from my pages.

Everything is exactly how I left it before her intervention. Nothing is actually out of place nor are there any major ink blots from my blackout. Everything was neat and tidy almost as if I hadn't blacked out while writing, which was a little concerning since I then went on to sleep with the Inn ow- oh forget it. That place is a fucking hotel and we know it. Bed and Breakfast is like a staple of theirs, and with the high quality service we were given as well as outrageous prices it's no wonder why I almost said hotel a few times.

Still I was worried about what this meant for me.

* * *

_He wasn't strong enough, everyone who saw us then could tell that no one there was equipped to deal with the rampaging swordswoman. Every swing with her flame coated blade was blisteringly hot. It even caused a man to fall unconscious from heat alone. She had effortlessly beaten down 3 guards through sheer speed, strength, magical ability, and presence. She was indomitable and would no doubt trample Luka due to his lower level ability._

_He took that step forward challenging her, despite all the odds being against him. He challenged her rampage to take over Iliasburg._

_To say he was soundly beaten was a lie. To say he was triumphant would be a lie. After using his strongest attack..._

* * *

Wait was was the name of his attack?

"Hey… Oh right he left to get supplies."

Well… this is a weird place for me to end it off for now. Definitely way more awkward than before.

* * *

**(A/N): Imma do it anyway and end it here.**

**A bit shorter than the other chapters.**

**But I don't care.**

**I hate writing drama but from here on out I'll only have to do more.**

**Them's the breaks when you have someone like _him_ as a main character.**

**As always, tell me why you like this garbo.**

**I'm going to try and focus on other stories I've neglected for this.**

**It'll simmer into something better during the break.**

**Hopefully.**

**Happy Holidays.**

**(Edited 12/19/2019: had forgotten some key details, my bad)**


	4. quick apology

**Hey.**

**Wanted to quickly apologize.**

**Had forgotten to add some minor details to the previous chapter.**

**It got pointed out something they didn't like was in my story.**

**It made me a little happy.**

**Made a quick change to set up for future developments.**

**Not major story changing things.**

**Just a few words.**

**Shouldn't change too much.**

**Honestly I was an idiot that didn't proofread before uploading.**

**Trigger happy moron.**

**Probably will upload next chapter next year in 2020**

**Will delete this in 7 days**

**Or not.**

**Who knows?**


	5. Chapter 4

**Equal Opportunity Hatred**

"**In which nothing happened. Nothing at all."**

"We ready to go?" asked Luka adjusting his sheathe.

[Demon Decapitation]. What a fitting name for a monster move. Is what I would say if it weren't used in the worst way possible.

Looking over myself, I then declare. "I'm all set. Ready when you are."

I mean seriously. Who thought that a killing move, by a short elf man would qualify as a good sword technique. In general they have shorter range and lighter weapons. So it would make more sense to use it for silent killings.

"You shouldn't look so upset." Alice said with false sympathy. "We'll be back to see your beloved before long."

Ignoring the screaming in my head demanding that I kill Alice. "I don't want to hear that from the glutton who had 4 plates of the limited supply of dango, as well as mine. You're the one who's going to miss her more."

"No fighting." said Luka who had clearly given up on trying to rein either of us in. "If we're all set then let's go."

He had outfitted himself with new clothes. Supposedly they gave more protection than his other clothes but given it's semi-loose fitting and simplistic in design I don't think it's going to be protecting much of anything since Monster girls tend to pull off his clothes rather than actually fight him.

Though there are exceptions such as Granberia as I had learned. So I suppose it wasn't a COMPLETE waste of money.

Either way we are off. To a wonderful journey of "Dango… dango… dango…" I happily sing to myself happily going along the beaten path.

"We're not going to Happiness Village yet."

"Heretic." I declare immediately backpedalling to face Luka. "I don't see what could be more important than the lives of those people who might go without dango."

"W-What the-? How am I a heretic?" he asked clearly shocked by not only my immediate changing of moods, but the immediate hostility that came from his clearly debasing words.

I admit that I was hooked on the stuff and we ould gladly hold a monopoly on the stuff if I could. But for people to not experience it for themselves? That truly is a crime against humanity, nay, the entire world itself.

"Idiot. He's on a journey to find the Monster Lord, of course he'd move on to better places." Alice huffed in annoyance.

"I'm going to try and take care of the bandits that unfortunate lamia mentioned earlier."

"Unfortunate lamia?" I asked, trying and failing to imagine how that could be. "How unfortunate are we talking?"

"Just because she looks… slightly off doesn't mean you should refuse to use her name, fake hero."

"Like you have any room to talk. I don't think you've used either of our names the entire time we've known you."

Now that he's mentioned it. Has she ever called us something other than "Idiot and Fake Hero"? No moment come to mind where she has said my name but she wouldn't exactly be the first to call me something completely different from my name for long periods of time. "Do you even know our names?"

"Lucas and Rocksalt." she said that with confidence. She actually said my name was Rocksalt with confidence. Never before would I believe I would once again be christened with that name again, and yet here it is.

"Heh. Idiot."

"W-well… you can't pronounce my real name either!"

"Arisufi-zu Fateburn the XVI" I say smugly. I can feel the shit eating grin and it is disgustingly massive and proud. I love it.

"I couldn't even begin to pronounce her name. How did you even get it down."

"Practice. More importantly you two keep dodging the subject of this unfortunate lamia."

"All that's important is that she told me about bandits terrorizing the town from the mountains. So we're going to take care of them before anything too terrible happens to Iliasburg"

How suspicious… Though if they aren't going to talk about it, then it would be pointless to press for details, and probably in bad taste as well.

Honestly though I just don't give a damn. Pressing for details is becoming too much of a pain in the ass considering we already had an argument yesterday evening.

God I was unnecessarily angsty.

"Either way, before we truly get going, I want to ask you something. It's about these pathetic excuses for fights."

And here we go again. As fun as it is to bully Luka about his made up fighting style it gets old and kind of redundant after a certain point, and I'm not one to beat a dead horse. Yes. We get it Luka can't hit the broad side of a barn. Nor can he hit a masochist actively moving in the direction of his swings.

I'm looking at you Lalatina.

"You're holding back aren't you." she declares not as a question, but a definitive statement.

"Eh? Nani?" The fuck does that mean?

Luka looks at me confused. "What?"

"What?" I asked again, glossing over my habitually meme response.

"Well are you?" Alice imperiously raised an eyebrow not amused by either of our antics.

"I- uh... yes, I am." he admits, clearly uncomfortable with the circumstances around his suckass. "I don't want to kill them unnecessarily, I still want peace between humans and monsters."

"I see… I thought as much." She's nodding to herself again, confirming or reaffirming a stance she has taken. "If that is the case then I will lend you this." She pulls out a…

Eww what the fuck is that thing? How is it even a thing?

A gray "sword" with enough decorative shit on it to not only blunt whatever edge a sword is supposed to have, but also make it look like some edgy middle schooler's art project. Screaming faces, mangled angels, and even demonic eye gems. There wasn't even a point to the sword, instead being host to a ring of all things at the very tip of it.

"What creature on the planet would make such an edgeless blade?" I cried tears that may or may not have been made of blood. "Or rather why does it make me want to dive in front of a carriage, simply by existing?"

"It's name is Angel Halo." Alice swatted at me with her tail anoyance flashed on her face. "A legendary blade being the only one of its kind."

"Thank Ilias for that. That thing is ugliness and evil personified." Amen brother.

"Idiot. It's clearly a holy blade. Do you see the angels embedded into it? Not only that but it's also a magical blade that drains magic out of it's targets, leaving them in a weakened harmless state. Perfect for a soft hearted weakling like yourself. Use this from now on."

Let's ignore the part where she called him a weakling or that she has a demonic blade with mockeries of angels in it. "Look at that a perfectly viable..." I hesitate, refusing to ever consider that thing an actual weapon. If it is a weapon then it works at carving out peoples eyes with ugliness. "...tool... to attaining world peace. Just smack everyone you dislike with it and bam, everyone's safe."

"That's not how my dream works so stop making fun of it like that." he scowled a bit. "I want us to coexist, we can't just enslave them like that."

"Like it or not, your journey will involve fighting." she's visibly frustrated and upset by his stubbornness now and our collective bashing of her 'gift'. "There are some monsters who simply won't roll over and cooperate. So you will have to force them to see you as a viable option as a person instead of merely prey."

"I get that but still, does it have to be this sword? I'd rather not hold… something like this."

"Shut up and take it already."

[Luka got Angel Halo]

"I'll hold onto your old blade then."

[Roxas got the (Sheathed) Iron Sword]

"Perfect. The false hero can test his new blade out on this next vic- I mean there's a monster coming." She was about to say victim. I totally heard that. Why is Luka not saying any-

"Eh? What monster?" With that event flag triggered the ground started shaking.

"Have fun you two. Don't die ~~❤!"

"Don't say that while we're in mortal danger!" I shouted at Alice's disappearing body. "AND ESPECIALLY DON'T USE A HEART EMOJI!"

[Earthworm Girl has approached you]

* * *

Some unimportant mildly rapey events later.

That wasn't so bad.

I mean sure, Luka sucked much less dick at fighting than Earthworm Jane in pursuit of semen.

The main difference between now and other times was that this girl didn't bleed when cut by that edgelord blade, but the darkness from her wounds was a bit too on the nose. Unlike her sisters at the end of a fight, she had been trying to use the retreat as a feint, grabbing me and almost dragging me along into the ground. Unfortunately she had forgotten that not everyone could breathe underground or move as seamlessly as she could. Nor would I be as quick at moving since my body was stuck in the hole she had left behind.

No I'm not fat. Shut up and know that she had curled around me making the knot too big for what she was trying to do.

"Y'know I think you're starting to get the hang of this hero shtick." I said once again thanking Luka for his quick interference. "Your moves aren't so obviously clunky so either holding back really did make you suck balls, or that sword has some really good stats on it despite it's horrifying appearance."

"Please stop talking." Luka said giving up on ever truly being acknowledged by me. I know how difficult it can be sometimes, but hang in there. "Still I wouldn't be much of a hero if I couldn't save anyone."

"You mean [Fake Hero]." Alice chided. "It wouldn't do for you to not only lie about your exploits but also falsely claim the title of [Hero] for yourself despite being baptised."

"Urk!" Luka visibly took 5 damage from that verbal assault. Seeing him hurt like that really made me want to bully that worm who tried to capture me. "That's only because no one corrected the citizens at the village. I at least TRIED to be honest."

"Yet you never properly explained the situation to anyone even with Salt Mine no longer in the area."

So now I'm a Salt Mine?

Crouching downwards, tuning out Luka's protests on his Hero title I spotted the tiny wriggling worm trying to crawl back into the dirt. "Oi. You."

The worm despite lacking a face turned to me. It is her. That is good.

"That stunt of yours would have killed me if that guy with the shady looking sword didn't turn you into this. Humans suffocate underground, which is probably why your dumbass constantly needs semen despite kidnapping humans who might've been willing had you also not dragged their still breathing bodies underground. How retarded can you get? Attacking a clearly armed person who said no. Maybe if you were a little less stupid you might've been able to live a carefree life in Iliasburg working at the brothel."

[(Sealed) Earthworm Jane is taking critical damage.]

Oh… Well what do you know… Verbal abuse actually does work like that in this world.

"Oi. You. Aren't you doing enough damage to the already weakened opponent?" said Luka coming to the defense of the writhing worm. "She's already sealed, so there's no need for you to bully her like that."

"Au contraire-"

Luka says "What?"

I frowned annoyed that no matter how many references I make no one would be able to understand them. "On the contrary, I cannot bully you for something you've gotten remarkably better at. Your swordplay has improved so much I can't bully you over it. Besides getting it up long enough to beat her with it." I keep forgetting that this is still a fantasy world where they only break the 4th wall sometimes instead of whenever they damn please. I can't just switch lingo on the fly like that. "With that… sword… You can now go all out on opponents resulting in endings where your ass isn't kicked as hard as it was before. Which means I have to find new targets or you have to somehow get even worse at using a sword."

"Why not try poking fun of Alice?"

Before I could even utter a word, she already had a rebuttal. "Don't you have more important things to do? Start walking or I'll kill you the moment you try."

Repressing and ignoring that last bit. So I get to stepping. "The reason I'm not going after Alice is because I'm a professional shit talker. I'm not going to go for the many easy fat jokes I can lob at Alice for liking food. That and I don't know her as well as I know you constantly getting molested in situations you should be able to avoid by now."

"Alice isn't fat." He denied instantly joggin up next to me. A moment's pause beofre he realized that I insulted him as well. "...And I don't like getting… touched like that."

Taking out my pen and ignoring his denials, I was about to put my thoughts to paper as we walked but…

"Wait, did anything of importance really happen?" I say lowering my book for a bit to look curiously at Luka. "I don't exactly like doing unnecessary work and that fight was short, sans the near death experience I had suffered. I would essentially be recapping what usually happens. It'd be nothing but a cliffnote of unimportance."

"I gave the fake hero a legendary blade unmatched in versatility for his goal. It's a sword that disables both monsters and humans, kills angels. It's good for intimidation. How is that nothing of importance?"

"Oh right you did. And I feel grateful for your current donation to our cause for world peace. 'Alice finally contributed positively to the journey. Gracing Luka with a Legendary piece of shit'." I said aloud writing down something completely different.

_Alice had graced Luka with a Legendary Blade of Darkness, called Angel Halo, which held an ability to seal any creature into a weaker state by draining their magic. A target had appeared to test his new blade and with no hesitance he struck easily cutting through her skin which would bleed darkness._

"Do you want to be drained to death? Or do you want me to kill you without means of pleasure? I'm willing to do either of those you know. There's no need to be so roundabout. I really will kill you." she said slithering up behind me. She… didn't immediately resort to attacking me.

"We can worry about that later, I have bandits in the mountains to get rid of before we go to reclaim the Happiness Honey."

Haaah… what a pain.

We've reached the edge of the mountain range where no vegetation neither grass nor tree had any life in it. If I didn't know any better I'd say it was like a desert if the mountains weren't in the way.

"So how are we supposed to find these 'elusive' bandits?" I asked. "Don't suppose we have a map or something? Maybe a general direction on where to go next?"

I audibly heard the eye twitch coming from Alice."How would using a map help him find bandits? There isn't going to be a location marked saying 'go here to fight evil'"

She is clearly overestimating the people that are going to be around us on this journey. I'd pity her if I could but she's the one breaking all perceived laws of my universe by existing.

"Well they were last seen around the paths by so we'll walk along until we find a clue. There's also a chance that a dragon and a vampire are there too. So I thought they'd be relatively easy to find. Look there's even a sign telling us where the bandits might be."

Lo and behold there was a sign that actually said [BANNEDITS THIS WAEY →]. I don't know whether to laugh or cry, since it looks like the sign post was drawn by an actual 4 year old. So I silently cried tears of laughter and despair.

Alice was actually vocal about this. "This is so stupid. It's either a trap or a lie. There is no reason [bannedits] would ever let anyone know of their location. Especially not a vampire or a dragon."

"That's why it's the perfect cover" said Luka smiling so damn smugly. "It's because it's so obvious and stupid that no one would ever bother to check on the off chance there were bandits or there was a trap."

That logic was so dumb I don't even think he spoke English. Which probably means he's right. Why is the stupid one saying bandits like a normal person while the Monster Lord intentionally mispelled bandits.

"So you want to face off against a dragon and vampire and possibly other monsters after getting served whoopass by Granberia? Are you stupid or suicidal?" I ask raising an eyebrow with Alice.

Somehow she makes the action of disbelief elegant.

"Well I have to at least try to fix the problem. I'm gonna win or die trying."

The eye brow went high So does he plan on dying? Did he at least write a will before declaring something so stupid?

"SNEAK ATTACK!" She had shouted at the top of her lungs revealing herself, slowly inching forward to attack Luka.

We had encountered the first of the bandits. A Goblin Girl. I put emphasis on the word little for very good reasons. Not only was the word so small it was practically nonexistent, she also looked young enough to have come straight out the womb clothed or something. Isn't this world supposed to be based off of a H-Game?

The implications truly are disgusting…

By the time I had registered and organized the information in my mind. The Goblin Girl had only just begun swinging her too large and cumbersome club.

Luka easily sidesteps the blow bumping into me. "Watch it!"

"Y-you dodged my sneak attack." Why is she surprised by this? It took her, like, 2 minutes to get anywhere near us to even attempt that sneak attack. "If it's going to be like that then you must be elite warriors sent from the village."

"Are you one of the bandits terrorizing Iliasburg?" Luka asked hand already on his new shitty sword. I can't tell if he's playing along with her or if he really is taking her seriously.

"I am Goblin Bandit of the 4 bandits! Tremble in fear before me, and give me all your money!" She's even triumphant in her claim of being one of the bandits 'terrorizing' Iliasburg. It really doesn't give much credence to the reliability of Luka's source who happens to be unfortunate somehow. Nay it's even detrimental and implies she might be retarded in.

"No way! I'll take you all down and force you to apologize to everyone!" I can't tell if he's actually taking her seriously. It's almost like he's basically the same age as her. He certainly had the height to show for it, as well as the maturity. Just when I thought he'd start being respectable.

Idiots. I'm half tempted to stab them both in the eye so that I won't ever have to deal with their annoying antics again.

"Haah? What's a wimpy loser shrimp like you gonna do? I told you, I'm the [Goblin Bandit of Earth of the 4 Bandits]. That means I'm way stronger than any ol' bandit you've ever fought."

She extended her title. Are they trying to plagiarize the Four Heavenly Knights without actually using their official titles?

I'm not watching this train wreck.

* * *

_Having obtained information of possible banditry in the mountains, Chosen Hero Luka had stepped off the path to finding the Monster Lord to help the people of Iliasburg who had so graciously gifted him a bed and food, gifts and praise._

_Having properly gauged his willingness to help others, Arisufi-zu Fateburn the XVI had graced the Hero with a dark yet legendary blade known as Angel Halo. Able to cut open it's enemies draining them of their magic. When enough damage is taken, the enemy will be sealed into a weaker virtually harmless state. This was tested on an Earthworm Girl who had accosted us wanting to drain us dry. Having sustained critical damage, she reverted to the state of a regular earthworm. If given enough magical energy, she will reveal her true form._

_Luka continued on towards the mountains full of vim and vigor, able to show his true ability now that he would not feel guilt over possibly killing his enemies. The bandits were young monsters with nothing better to do, easily being dispatched. The memory will haunt me to my last breath… The children who indulged in stealing and hiding away in the mountains were merely having innocent fun. The weapons they wielded could easily kill and yet… they treated it all as a game. A mistake the hero would be sure to rectify._

* * *

"Leave her alone. Stop iiiit."

"Waaaaaaaaa… I'm sooorrryyyyyy."

The last of the children was Goblin Girl quietly munching on the last bits of a sandwich I had made earlier that day, and the Lamia Lass her tears quickly drying as she waited for her morsel.

A grown man bullied small children to get them to stop harassing people. Is this really a story about a hero? It's not really my issue, I just write about what an infatuated "goddess" loves about her hero. But how the hell do I write out that he made 4 children cry in the hopes of disciplining them. Sure one of them is a vampire and another a lamia, monsters that are great at constricting their targets movements, but their skill with their abilities is just pathetic. Even the little dragon didn't have much going for her.

"Are you proud of yourselves? This is what happens to bandits, who go around bothering people like that." Alice scolded the dragon Luka tried to Decapitate.

More crying. "Is this really the way to discipline children that aren't even yours?" I ask, shoving one of my precious sandwiches in the lamia's mouth. "I mean it's guess things worked out since they're passive for the most part."

"Can I have one?" asked the vampire. Even got that look with the cute watery eyes that kids love to master.

I only have so many of these things. I'm not an infinite supply of sandwiches. No matter how much I'd want to be. Not to mention they're dipping into my "Favorite" stash but… "Oh fine… you get a sandwich too. Your Dragon friend too." rummaging through my bag.

"Where are you getting these sandwiches? I thought you had run out." Alice quirked an eyebrow in obvious questioning skepticism.

"I made more, obviously. I had the free time" I said, handing one of those sandwiches to the sniveling dragon tugging on my shirt. "Sandwiches are a traveler's best friend, and not having one on hand is dangerous if you get hungry." And it keeps a hungry and whiny child quiet.

"What great advice. Speaking of which." Alice held out her hand expectantly.

I'm already down 4 sandwiches, how many more do I have to give out? These aren't even small sandwiches. These are full meals wrapped in bread.

Nonetheless I hand her Yet Another one of my favorites. I contemplated letting her drain me of semen rather than actual food but the consequences of that could be more than catastrophic for me.

"Fine. You'll owe me for this though. I'm almost out of sandwiches again and I already know you're going to eat more of Luka's cooking before I go to bed."

"Hwah? Even though she's eating such a massive thing already."

"It's certainly large enough to satisfy a human. However I'm a monster and this amount won't satisfy me. No matter how thick and meaty he makes it."

Context. Please add context because that sounds so wrong. I'm handing these to children and I don't want to get arrested for presumed pedophilia as soon as I get home. "We have more important things to talk about than Alice's endless appetite. What are we gonna do with these troublesome kids?"

"It's all up to the Hero here. He can sell them… " Luka butt in midsentence. "Not an option."

"...Violate them..." I cut in here. "Definitely not happening."

"Kill them." Luka and I rolled our eyes at that idea. 'That is entirely unnecessary since I already fed them.'

"Or eat them."

It was here that the fears of the children broke them. "Protect us sandwich man!"

"We're sorry mister Hero. We won't do it again."

I sighed at the silly antics and snotty noses. It's turned into an 'All's well that ends well' situation, since Luka decided to intervene already, and they ate half my sandwich rations which had been adjusted to accommodate Alice's endless appetite. These are only going to last until tomorrow and even then I highly doubt I'm the one that gets to eat them.

What a pain.

* * *

_The children were properly punished for their mischief by the Hero, now repentant and meek. Now knowing that had their actions been serious the consequences would have been fatal were it someone less kind and altruistic than Luka. Now they work odd jobs for everyone whom they had bothered._

* * *

Having dragged the children around to apologize in Iliasburg we went back to the Stockpot Inn... I mean, that other place with ridiculously high prices. Sutherland, I think...

"2 rooms?" said the new desk lady. One I hadn't seen last time.

Wanting to cut off any further discussion on how rooming is going to be handled, "Yes, please."

I ignore Luka's indignant sputtering in favor of dropping the room keys in his hand. It was a cheaper option in favor of splitting between three rooms like he had intended earlier. I'm too tired to argue for more and I'd rather bathe and fall into bed rather than talk to anyone about anything.

There was a heavy fog of fatigue on my mind, words simply flow in and out after I dropped my bag into a room. I barely remembered to grab a change of sleeping clothes before getting in the baths.

Seeing the familiar matron outside the changing rooms wave at me along with a sly wink, I gave a wave of my own smiling despite not feeling it, prioritising getting clean over getting laid with memory of it this time.

Clean, rinse, and repeat twice more, before I stepped out in my loose pyjamas. My sole focus was my room, the bed. Everything else was irrelevant to me.

I was out before I even hit the mattress.

* * *

**Alice Has a Bad Idea ~ (Non-Con Lime)**

Having seen that… Roxas… had chosen our sleeping accommodations, I had decided to room with him after my night with the fake hero.

He was good. Better than anything else I had ever had, though I had to stop short or else he might have died from pleasure alone. I found the taste indescribably good and yet I found myself drawn to his friend. He wasn't as irresistible as the Hero, but his smell… encompassed more so to speak.

Would he give her more than the fake hero could? Was he bigger? How long does he last? The curiosity fueled her monster blood and waited for her time to strike.

Deigning to hypnotize the woman who was brazen enough to attempt sneaking into OUR room was simple enough. I sent her away before she could do anything drastic. Who knew what kind of things she would attempt to do to him in his sleep.

Honestly the nerve of some humans.

Locking the door, and barricading it for good measure, I eye the potent prey lying so defenselessly on the bed. I wasn't going to wait until morning to collect my reward, so I might as well take what is owed to me.

What do you mean what I'm doing is the same as the human? This is entirely different.

Undoing his pants I could see it wasn't too big. Maybe 3 or 4 inches? The heady musk told me he hadn't masturbated in quite some time, yet he had slept with a woman not even an entire day ago. A possible unending tap of semen? Let's find out shall we?

I wrapped my tongue around the getting a taste for it. Pre-cum immediately came oozing out the moment I reached the base as he started to harden. I coiled, uncoiled swirling the tip of my tongue around the tip, occasionally poking inside for more.

I could hear him gasping in his sleep, does he like it? The disgusting pervert. He'd get off to anything wouldn't he? Is he some masochist that likes to be denied the ability to cum? It'd make sense why he'd deny me my right to semen, as heinous a crime as that is.

Popping it out of my mouth I could see his size had doubled and even thickened. Running my hand up and down his shaft I could feel veins pulsing underneath the skin, and the pathetic thrusts he did in his sleep, despite his fervent denials about wanting to cum to me. The desperate animalistic thrusts much like a horny monkey.

A louder gasp escaped his mouth as I shoved his cock in my cleavage, even deeming him worthy of a bit of spit to go with his titjob. It burned hotter than I thought a human possibly could and what little control he had even in his sleep was sure to fade to this.

Another gasp one that took in more than necessary for air. "...Alice?"

He had even woke up. "Be a good boy and cum for me m'kay?" I pump my tits harder and-.

**WHAM!**

* * *

**(A/N): Hey.**

**Took long enough didn't it?**

**I don't hate MGQ.**

**But damn does it make my mind go to some dark depressing places.**

**Not a depressing game.**

**But I really wonder why does it have to be Luka?**

**Why was this a relevant chapter?**

**No idea.**

**It's amazing really.**

**How unfunny some of these situations are.**

**GG tho**

**Recommend that degenerates play it.**

**Next upload is next month(?)**

**(P.S. I drew the simple cover art)**

**Maybe you'll get a continuation of that lime omake.**

**Or is it an omake?**

* * *

**Omake: You knew?**

Now that he's mentioned it. Has she ever called us something other than "Idiot and Fake Hero"? No moment comes to mind where she has said my name but she wouldn't exactly be the first to call me something completely different from my name for long periods of time. "Do you even know our names?"

"Lucas and Rocksalt." she said that with confidence. She actually said my name was Rocksalt with confidence. Never before would I believe I would once again be christened with that name again, and yet here it is.

"I don't know how you got so close and still failed as badly as you did. Our names are 2 syllables."

"Heh. Idiot."

"W-well… you can't pronounce my real name either!" This isn't a Shoujo manga Alice you don't need to wave your arms and overreact like that.

"Arisufi-zu Fateburn the XVI" I say smugly. I can feel the shit eating grin and it is disgustingly massive and proud. I love it.

"I couldn't even begin to pronounce her name. How did you even get it down."

I smiled even wider. "Practice. Every night before I sleep."

"Practice? You can I actually do that?" Luka asked, surprised I put in effort at something stupid sounding.

Which it isn't. Stupid, that is.

"Hell yeah I practiced. I spent forever trying to get it down properly. Even made a little card telling me how to pronounce it."

[Arisufi-zu (Arry-sue-fee-zu) Fateburn The XVI (16th)]

"I'm amazed you got even the spelling down correctly."

"I looked at your wiki page for reference. Bastardized it from there."

"What wiki page?"

"You'll see it when you become a true hero." I wasn't lying about it. He'd be a hero by the time the page would be made. Or is it now?

Temporal/Dimensional distortions are confusing and messy.


	6. April Fools

**APRIL FOOLS**

"Oi. Is this some kind of joke?"

"Yes." I responded simply sipping at my lemon tea. "That's exactly what this is supposed to be."

"It's not funny!" He said, banging his fist on the table nearly spilling my lemonade. "I'm supposed to be on a quest to stop the Monster Lord. I can't waste time on joke chapters!"

"You can and you will. You're not even going after her properly. Next chapter you're going to be on a quest to fetch honey for villagers. Not exactly good EXP for Monster Hunting." Another sip to calm my soul. "Just enjoy this little discussion we're having for now. I'll update your story later this month. Probably."

"Probably? What's that supposed to mean?"

"It's another word for maybe." And another sip to hide my smirk at the absolutely hilarious joke I made. My talents have always lie in comedy rather than writing.

"I can see how you're related to Roxas. Don't quit your day job."

"At least take comfort in the fact that I haven't gone off on you on how much you're an idiot. That shit's grating ya know." Sip, and relax. "Writing an absolute bastard is mind numbing, and there's an entire journey of relationship building and growth of maturity. We don't even have a dedicated sex scene yet! That's a must have for an M rated story."

A moment of awkward silence passes between us.

"So why am I here instead of the real Roxas or maybe Alice." He said, taking a sip of his milk.

"I needed someone here to be the surrogate self-insert for the audience." I explained putting down the empty tea cup now shaped like a regular glass. "Couldn't be Roxas since you know, he's himself and I'm me and that gets confusing quickly with the both of us here."

"I guess that makes sense." Luka sighed at the misfortune of knowing such an aggravating personality. "Alice wouldn't be a good pick either since she's very… aggressive."

"Now you're getting it." I said, giving him a smile showing him my pride in him. "Contrary to what Roxas says, I don't actually think you're that big of an idiot. Maybe a bit naive but it comes with the territory of being a village hero."

"What is the deal?" He asked. "Aren't you the same person?"

I wince not exactly liking the comparison. "Yes… but also no. It's simple but also very tricky."

Luka deadpanned at my contradictory answer. "Explain."

"The situation is something like a split timeline." I start sipping, my cup magically refilled with lemonade. "The person before you has had time to get over a majority of his self image issues, dealt with his more violent tendencies in a healthy manner, and doesn't feel like stabbing the eyes of everyone with the intelligence level of a child. Explaining our similarities is only slightly more difficult than explaining our differences."

"Difficult? It seems pretty easy to me: Roxas is _*bleh bleh I hate everything*_ and you aren't. Why not leave it at that?" He's snickering at his little joke about what was and wasn't me.

"Because although he is a blight in the multiverse and should be wiped from the memory of every decent human being, he's still me. It would be a disservice to not have any respect for who I once was, no matter how miniscule that respect is."

"So basically he's your past self?" He said oversimplifying the matter.

"He's not just my past self but rather an alternate take on my personality." I said materializing my teacher glasses and a whiteboard with 'Human Evolution' at the top. "Every person goes through a series of changes growing up. You start with something of an instinctual base, acting on your immediate urges as a child. When you become old enough and gain more cognitive functions you develop a personality based on the previous experiences. From there you go into adolescence and all of it's raging hormones including previously unfelt testosterone and estrogen for the ladies."

"Testosterone is known to incite feelings of aggression and if a person builds up enough resentment against people who wrong him on a consistent basis… It tends to increase stress levels"

Luka however is looking at me cross eyed and I feel like my efforts were wasted.

"Basically he lacks the humility and self-awareness to ever be like me."

"Wha-?"

"NEXT QUESTION!" I shouted ignoring his confusion as I don't feel like explaining anymore. "We have cue cards Luka-boya. Follow them, we're kind of running on borrowed time."

"WE HAVE CUE CARDS?!"

"Next thing is: **[When are Alice and Roxas going to hook up?]** I wasn't sure why this is even a question but in hindsight it makes perfect sense." I sigh burning up the cue card with the question on it.

"How does the question make sense?! AND WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?"

"As when they're hooking up? I'd say never but things change, I don't really think the two of them have good chemistry at the moment but they DO have chemistry."

"This is going to be a thing with you isn't it? You're just going to ignore me?" he sighed, downing the milk like it was alcohol. Maybe it was alcohol at this point.

"I'm not ignoring you, I'm just choosing not to answer. Major difference there." I said sipping more at my lemonade again hiding the immense satisfaction schadenfreude gives me. Messing with Luka is way too fun, I suppose. "So think of it this way, if Alice and Roxas were to switch bodies how would you know the difference?"

Sighing once more he pondered a bit on the question. "I guess it would be pretty confusing at first. But I think I could tell since Alice disappears when I'm fighting Monsters. Roxas just happens to get caught up in it."

"So you could barely tell the difference." I nod confirming my beliefs. "So what do you think their child would be like?"

"You could visibly see the shiver travel up his spine. "They aren't actually getting together though right?"

I stay silent on the matter.

"Right? You aren't actually planning on shipping them together are you?" Luka dropped all pretense grabbing me by the shoulders. "Please tell me that wasn't your plan."

"It wasn't my plan." I said truthfully.

"You aren't lying to please me are you? If you are I might end up cutting you with this sword." He said point Angel Halo at me.

"I'm not lying to you, I'm at least honest on that front. I had no intention of having Alice and Roxas getting along at all in the first place. They just happened to find a bond through you."

"Oh… That's a relief." A breath of relief released all the tension he had stored up in conversation.

"Though the future isn't set in stone."

_Schlick._ Something resembling a sword bisected me turning me into a chicken.

"Oops." Luka said remorselessly.

He blinked once noticing the chicken stepping on a bunch of cue cards. "I didn't really expect that to work. Huh. He really did have cue cards. Though that doesn't explain where they came from."

Luka randomly picked up a cue card with the Label Question on the back:

**[So when's Roxas going to curse so sulfurously at the depravity of the world that it actually kills some people and monsters out of sheer concentrated vitriol and hatred?]**

"I don't think he'd actually do that. He'd probably say something like 'My insults are getting too unoriginal and getting creative to verbally kill people is annoying'" Luka said to the chicken. "Great now I'm talking to a chicken. I thought traveling with Alice and Roxas making fun of me would make me feel like more of a dummy, not talking to a guy I turned into a chicken."

The chicken jumped on the table flapping his little wings as he ascended. Making purposeful steps towards Luka's drink. He knocked it over plashing milk all over Luka's chair.

"What was that for?"

"You turned me into a chicken." I surprised him talking directly behind him, scaring the buhjebus outta him. "I had every right to do that to you."

"Wait, but how-?" There was no longer a chicken on the table or anywhere within a 5 mile radius.

"I'm the author dahrlin', you couldn't stab me if I didn't want you to." I said making a cowboy appear on my head for the hell of it. "More importantly I agree with your earlier statement. Roxas is way too lazy to ever think of verbally ending the world out of sheer hatred and vitriol."

Luka shrugged picking up yet another of my cue cards:

**[Did the Hotel Lady rape him?]**

"Nope. Next question."

"Wait, no, go back. What does this guy mean?"

Unfortunately Luka forgot I was the author so I could do this:

**['But I really wonder why does it have to be Luka?' Because he's the son of-]**

"Okay never mind we don't have to answer any more questions." I said completely ignoring that. "I suppose this is the end of the Q&A in this gag chapter. Time for general comments."

"How was this a Q&A if you never answered any of MY questions?"

"Silly Luka. Your job is to be saner than me. It's like comic relief, but the joke is overused and somewhat irrelevant."

"Then WHY AM I HERE?"

"I told you before you're the audience surrogate." Cue sip of the lemonade. "You are here because I can't simply add a member of the audience into the story. That would be favoritism and I can't really show any of that. I've got to keep some semblance of integrity."

I could feel him huffing, puffing, growling at being stuck dealing with me. "I liked you better when you were an asshole."

"No you didn't. Nobody likes me that way except spectators." Sip. "By the way, the next chapter is halfway finished."

"What does half finished mean? You've been half finished for over a month."

"Half finished means I'm nowhere near where I'd like to be and am stalling for time. Half finished means I have the notes but have trouble getting it to mesh well enough for my liking. I'm struggling to make you less preachy, more adventurous."

"I'm not preachy!" He whined.

"What are your thoughts on Monster Girl enslavement." I asked waiting for his response.

"I believe that…"

"Too long, don't care, and writing you in the script without making you preachy is hard."

He's visibly restraining himself from strangling me. Another sip. I picked up another cue card:

**[Good story, but uh... you're butchering Alice's last name. Like a lot. It's Alipheese. Just thought you'd want to know...]**

"Wait that's how it's pronounced?" He asked pulling out my name practicing card from his pocket. "Then why'd you make this card?"

"I thought he'd mentioned it in his snippet. I am indeed butchering the English translation of her name."

"English translation? Isn't it your native language?"

"Kind of. I'm sure any English speaking American can say Alipheese. Sounds a little awkward to say and worse to type, but still do-able. Which means I'm sure you could get her name down first try."

"It is pretty easy for me to say. Al-i-phee-se." He enunciated getting it all down correctly. "So why the name change?"

"Essentially the joke was lost in translation, making you a bigger dumdum than people see you as now." I calmly sipped at the unending tide of lemonade, pitying the poor soul. "I'm not even sure how the people perceive you, but I promise you aren't an idiot. You're just stupid."

"What's the difference?!" He's shouting again causing my lemonade... to... spill...

…

"Roxas?"

I stare at the broken glass secreting growing pool of yellow liquid. Sweet and sour elixir, spilling everywhere.

"Roxas, you okay?" He's shaking my shoulder.

"Yeah… I'm just… going to… thank some kind strangers." I said smiling bitterly. "I'm mildly new to MGQ but any help brushing up on knowledge is appreciated. I'm glad everyone has enjoyed getting to know Roxas and exploring the world through the lens of a major pessimist like him."

"You really aren't looking too hot. Are you sure you're going to be okay?"

"I'm… I'm alright... " I'm not hyperventilating, nor am I upset. "I just… need to send you away for a bit."

"That doesn't sound alright. Shouldn't you get some help?"

"I'll see you later this month Luka…" I'm pointing at the door to his reality. "I need some time to mourn. Finish that chapter, update other stories. You'll get where you need to go when I get you there."

He hesitated before leaving out the door I had made for him.

More and more of the lemonade continued pouring out the glass shards. I emptied Luka's cup onto his bed belonging in his dimension, and waited for the flow of lemonade to consume me…

It was indeed delicious, I thought to myself allowing myself to be consumed by the waves of sweet and sour.

* * *

**I'll see everyone later. Thank you though for supporting EOH. I've been vigorously checking stats to see what people think of the story and I still don't get why any of you like this. I'll do my best for the next chapter though.**

**I really do appreciate you all for sticking with this story.**


	7. Chapter 5 June Joker

**Equal Opportunity Hatred**

"**I swear to god if you don't get me my goddamn sweets…!"**

"...I'm gonna punt your tiny ass off the continent without your sword and get them myself!"

Okay so maybe I was just the slightest bit upset.

It's not like it's been [27 hours 43 minutes 36 seconds] since I last had something sweet to eat. That's no reason to bite anyone's head off.

It's not like Alice and her new child entourage had eaten up my food supplies for 2 days, forcing me to make even more for me to carry.

It's not like Alice, after a long day of beating up children and feeding them to shut them up, decided that it was a moral obligation of mine to have an unlimited supply of delicious sandwiches while eating the last bits of my supply, and had the nerve to threaten me with death by semen drainage.

I mean it is a duty to carry sandwiches, but threatening me was straight up, Not. Cool.

I'm not salty.

Shut up.

"Get in line bookworm. I'll send him to the Monster Lord herself if he doesn't get a move on." said Alice sharply whipping her tail through the air. "We either get food, or we get a move on. You have a Monster Lord to beat. I'm already half inclined to send you to her now."

Sending a glance her way I found my thoughts… redirected towards her concealment of her identity as Monster Lord. And the maddening question: Why?

Everyone knows of 3 of the Four Heavenly Knights: Alma Elma. Discount Tamamo-no-Mae, and Granberia. The last one Eru… Era? Erabeauty?

Anyway, they wreak havoc whenever and wherever they damn please. I wouldn't call their actions malevolent, sans the enslavement, murder of soldiers, tyrannical rule through fear, and typical monstergirl superiority complexes.

Y'know typical fantasy setting stuff.

"Why all the hostility? We're going to be solving the Happiness Honey case when we're ready."

With the notoriety of those three you'd think people would at least have a hint as to who the Monster Lord is, but not a single person knew her name so far, or even hinted at the fact that she's important besides Granberia.

"I'm ready now. I've BEEN ready since it was first mentioned. You're the one who wanted to chase 'banneditz'."

"Can you stop saying that? You'll lose what few brain cells you have being an idiot."

"Ironic coming from the one who first said it out loud." I sniped back at her.

"Seriously what's with you?" "You're somehow even worse and more aggressive than usual today"

"I'd like to point out that I'm like this everyday so something like this should be of no surprise to you."

"No. Luka is right." SHE SAID HIS NAME. HOLY SHIT SHE ACTUALLY SAID HIS NAME. "You aren't nearly this aggravating on a regular basis."

"I don't know what to tell you other than the fact that I have been deprived of my sweets for approximately [27 hours 44 minutes and 16 seconds]. I also have no sandwiches to eat in the interim since SOMEONE…" I shouted, reinforcing my glare on the glutton. "...ate them all. I have neither the will nor the patience to even begin to make more to feed the black hole you call a stomach."

Sweets are a serious business for me. I'd fight Ilias, and win, if she got in the way of my pursuit of sweets. That's how serious it is. And normally I'd not only get my ass whooped if I tried something like that, but probably penetrated afterwards.

A pervert like her would use a strap on to dominate sinners if she felt it necessary. Maybe a few whips and chains while she's at it.

...that took a hot turn out of nowhere.

"Alright, alright already. We're going…"

* * *

There wasn't much in the way of conversation, though with the cycle of imagining sweets and my thoughts of Alice, conversation with me was basically impossible.

I could joke around as much as I want about her being a mysterious character, but she's still a viable threat if she ever chose to be? Why is she even here? The easy answer is likely related to food or something. Her idea on being heroic often involved foodstuff and killing monsters. Approving of the former behaviour, and scornful of the latter.

I couldn't wrap my head around it.

But cleavage and boobs wrapped around my head.

"Oya? What cute little human men."

"The fu-?!" I squawked being wrapped further into a warm embrace.

"Hold still." she whispered into my ear. "I'll keep you in this sweet embrace of honey.

Something hot and heavy oozed onto my shoulders, some of it landing in my hair. She mentioned honey?

More and more of it dripped onto me, and I struggled a bit, accidentally taking a dollop of the golden viscous liquid, an admittedly careless move having my mouth open for that. It is what allowed her to french kiss me.

Sweet. Unbelievably so. Whether it was the honey or her tongue I don't know. But what I do know is that I've never had anything like this before.

And I craved more.

So I embraced her, deepening our lip lock until I couldn't taste anymore of the sweet honey.

And then my tongue started to wander. Lapping at her lips with relentless fervor.

She was sweet...

* * *

"What were you thinking Roxas?"

"Honey. I'll accept no further questioning." I looked off to the side staunchly avoiding eye contact with the self righteous midget.

"She was demanding that you let her go! It looked like you were attacking her instead." I could feel the ugly snarl crossing his face. "I thought you were better than this. You're one of the most devout followers of Ilias. How could you betray her like that?"

Alice in her ever mysterious way smiled in a way that it didn't reach her eyes. "Hypocrite. Entirely unwilling to let monsters have their way with you, yet assaulting the first bee girl with a bit of honey."

An eyebrow raised at the attempt at my morals. "I did not assault her. She poured honey on me and then French'd me. I then proceeded to lick as much honey off of her as I could."

Alice snorted ungracefully. "She clearly wanted your semen. Why didn't you give it to her and receive honey as a gift."

"I didn't exactly ask her to cover me and herself in sticky fluids that taste good."

"Bee girls lick honey off the men they capture. It's a thing that they do. It would have mixed well with semen." Eyeing the many sticky wet patches on my pants. "Speaking of which-"

"Denied." I crossed my arms in defiance. "You already get free sandwiches. What more could you possibly want."

"Roxas. Monsters don't really need to eat food. Semen remember?" Luka hadn't seen it, but Alice had clearly looked off to the side. A very clear admission of guilt that they didn't need semen THAT much.

"But it isn't their only source of nutrition. The only monster I'd excuse for only eating semen are the succubi, since they at least treat their offerings fairly well. Or rather, the suicidal idiots called volunteers."

Alice's expression didn't change, but with the way her tail had seized up I could tell that she knew she had been busted. Could she look any guiltier?

Though with Luka glaring at me, I don't think he noticed the guilty twitching. "That doesn't excuse your behavior. You were way out of line. Attacking monsters isn't something we do when journeying to beat the monster lord." Because it makes perfect sense to go on a journey to beat someone up without getting good at beating people up.

On the other hand… "You're right, I guess."

Silence. I could hear him blinking in confusion. "I am? I mean, of course I am. You were definitely in the wrong for attacking her like that."

"I know. I said that." Pointedly staring at him.

"I'm just… surprised you'd admit to being wrong like this." he looked at me as if unsure as to who I really was. "I didn't think you would EVER apologize for being wrong with your… y'know…" He trailed off as if I was supposed to know what that meant.

"Your obnoxious know-it-all attitude piled atop your human supremacy arrogance." Alice supplied for Luka leaving him aghast. "Or is it your greedy self centered habits, and slothful nature?"

"I'm not a supremacist." I corrected her. "I only see myself as above pretty much everyone on the planet at this point. Attacking a Bee Girl in the hopes of harvesting the honey attached to her is something that should be beneath me." I paused, putting a bit more thought on the matter. "At least she lived by the end of it, if only slightly traumatized, so everything's fine now."

"Just when I thought he was learning." Luka are you crying? Why are you looking at me like I disappointed you or something? "Don't worry, I'll reform you yet."

"Good luck with that." Alice is munching on… Is that one of my sandwiches? I thought I ran out of those. "You're better off trying to slay the Monster Lord at your current level."

How often are you going to reference yourself Alice? Or better yet, how often will you be poaching my sandwiches, Alice? My wallet is going to start crying if you force me to buy anymore supplies.

* * *

Happiness Village, in a nutshell, is a farming village. Iliasville was a village of all trades, selling lumber, livestock, crops, and being a religious haven. It was closer to being a town but lacked major landmarks other than the church.

If I'm to be perfectly honest, being isekai'd and stuck here for months was agonizingly miserable for me. I lacked TV and internet, and many of my references and opinions would likely be held as heretical.

Not all of it is very conducive to world peace.

This farming village, littered with beehives and log cabins, was the very bane of my existence. A place of farmers that don't seem to have a real sense of trade since every 'house' had a beehive or two next to it. They harvest honey, and some livestock but other than that it doesn't appear they have much going for it.

"Nothing seems out of place here really." Luka spoke bringing my thoughts to the real world. "I can't really tell what the problem is."

Alice does her signature scoff, meaning she's already dismissed any further comments as idiocy. "Idiots. That's only with a passing glance. Look at how many men there are in the village." At a cursory glance you could tell there weren't very many men, if any at all.

"Now that I look better I can't see the men beyond kids." insert ironic joke on height. "I'll ask the women about what might be happening."

But if you look close enough you could notice they aren't exactly built like women either. Shoulders being a bit too broad to belong to the gender of lithe frames. Arms and necks the size of tree trunks and no chest to compensate for their size. Or if they did, the chest was too bulky and obviously fake. It's not that there were no men, it's that they're being abducted for a reason, they're hiding away to avoid something.

I might not consider it my problem that the men are being forced to crossdress for a reason unknown to me. To get a handle on the situation we'd need bait, me and Luka being obvious choices. Luka being dressed somewhat like a Hero is less likely to be abducted with the higher strength requirement that comes with the territory of being called a Hero.

Say what you want but he does have the stats to back up his title. He just doesn't use them properly half the time, and lacks the proper skill to fully utilize them.

I'd use myself as bait, but as I only had a sheathed Iron Sword that I didn't know how to swing properly, I'm the same dead weight as before, but now I happen to have a decent melee weapon but lack skill to use it offensively. And I refuse to be bait without a means of protecting my (hopefully intact) virginity.

"Hey! You there!" said one of the burly women. "Are you traveling companions of the Hero?"

"Yeah?" I said, not exactly sure how to proceed with this conversation. Looking towards Alice, already in human form, she didn't seem particularly inclined to help out here. "You need something?"

"Waaaahaahaaaaa." A young boy screaming in a shrill voice squirmed in midair as he is carried by a harpy.

"We've got a bit of a monster problem. I just wanted to make sure you knew before I got to safety myself" said the man(?) before running off into his own house.

Huh. Well that was nice of him/her. Unnecessary but nice.

"Hey Alice, are yo-" and she's gone. It shouldn't be a surprise by now, yet I am. It's probably because of how abrupt it can be at times.

Whatever. I'm sure Luka needs my help by now.

The Harpy then descends young lad still in grasp before dropping him safely on the ground.

"Alright now that I've let him go, you'll have to come with me now. We'll make big and strong children together."

Observation is becoming a quick and easy thing for me. Fluid motions to get the notebook in hand to the correct page and pen to paper.

[Harpy: bird thing. Acts more bird than human, prone to flights of fancy. Short attention span?]

It was a short prompt detailing all my thoughts from what I've immediately seen from her.

[Luka goes forward with a simple slash, no active skills.]

[The harpy flies out of his range.]

...Did he forget that she was part bird? Or does he get some tunnel vision during battle?

"Nyeehee! Try and catch me darling ~~❤" she even playfully winked at him from up above.

Even if he was an idiot, I suppose he's not very good with mocking from complete strangers. I could see him baring his teeth like some feral dog. "ROXAS! Give me a boost!" He's then barreling towards me as fast as I've seen him go.

Boost? OH! I see what he's doing.

I drop my pack as quickly as possible and throw it away as to not have it in the way. Just as he jumps I hold out my arms as if I were to bump a volleyball.

* * *

_In hindsight having a person jump into my arms was a bad idea, as I'd expect it to be. Which is to say not all. I'd give the Hero the boost he needed to reach the harpy who went out of her way to taunt him after his attempt at a first strike. I was to boost him up into the air with my own strength as well as his own jumping power._

_His strengths were in his power and mine were in my intelligence. Giving him that boost would make it easier for him to reach his target but impossible to keep standing straight._

_I fell back, my head hitting the ground._

_From here my account of things is hazy at best. But I will recreate things to the best of my ability with the help of 3rd party references._

* * *

Feeling the push back from Roxas, I had also kicked off from the resisting force, letting me jump higher than a regular wall jump would have.

Since a regular attack wasn't going to cut it, I'd thought I'd try my hand at this…

"[Aerial Strike: Demon Decapitation]" I shout, managing to get close enough to actually land a blow.

[Critical Hit! Luka deals 121 damage!]

I did it! I landed a powerful hit in one move… but I forgot to think of a landing strategy.

Feeling gravity pulling me back down to Earth, my thoughts weren't focused on me and the also falling Harpy taking more damage than necessary, possibly dying, or even being crippled. I instead thought of how much trouble I'm going to get into trouble with Roxas and Alice over a probably reckless and dumb move.

What was surprising however was feeling someone catch me and give me a softer landing than I expected. Even the harpy who was frantically flapping her wings in all directions suddenly fell on her behind in a softer manner than I expected.

What on earth happened there? Did she manage to right herself just as she fell? And who caught me?

Now that she's down I might as well take this chance to seal her now.

[Luka charges, slashing forward. He missed.]

The Harpy squawks, managing to scramble away, getting her bearings enough to fly above me again.

"You big meanie. All I wanted was for you to be my husband."

"Just get out here." Creep, though the word went unsaid.

She pouted, before taking off in the opposite direction of me… Swooping down to pick up Roxas.

[Harpy has escaped. Luka gained 80 EXP!]

"What happened? Did you drive her away?!

"Yeah but-"

"Amazing..! How'd you do it?" asked a younger girl approaching me from behind.

More and more of them came pouring out of their houses. All of them came to admire and praise me. But I couldn't find a single man out of everyone there, and very few boys there.

"What are you doing?" Alice intervened, not only catching my attention but actually making people keep their distance. I'd say I've never felt more glad to have personal space than now.

"Right Alice, we need to go. She took Roxas." I ignored how she grumbled about how 'we really didn't need that thing' in favor of turning my attention back to that crowd. "Do you know where she might have taken him?"

They shuffled about as if concerned about the place he might have been taken.

"There's a settlement out in the woods." said the old woman who also had the crowd of women part for her. "If you plan to go there and save your friend I must ask you a favor, as the acting village chief."

Acting village chief... does that mean that the Harpies kidnapped the original village chief as well?

"Offloading your problems onto us as well as abandoning the children in your village? You really do have no shame do you?" Alice is munching on another sandwich now holding Roxas's satchel. I'm sure he would NOT be happy to find out that happened and maybe it'd be best not to mention how exactly that happened.

"Alice, you can't pick up his stuff and eat out of his bag while he's in trouble we need to go after him."

"Why?" she asked. "Helping out your friend is all well and good but why would you help these people who have no interest in taking care of their own, or even moving to help in any manner?"

"Because I'm a hero!" I ignore the tiny voice in the back of my head reminding me that I hadn't been baptized. "I'm here to protect them even when they can't protect themselves."

"Idiot. They aren't even trying to protect themselves. I'm willing to bet that they haven't put in the least bit of effort into saving their own men."

I would have disagreed with her. They were villagers with husbands, fathers, and workers. It wasn't that they were unwilling to fight the harpies, but that they were too weak to. Surely they had tried by now, right?

I would have argued in their defense, if it weren't for the oppressive silence, the awkward shuffling, bitten lips, and furrowed brows of frustration.

"No way..." I involuntarily muttered aloud. "You haven't done anything about this at all?"

"You wouldn't understand." said the old acting chieftain. "You are a hero, blessed by Ilias, against the Queen of the Harpies we'd have no choice against our neighbors."

"So where are the other heroes? Surely you must have had a few passing through already." asked Alice, leveling a glare at the people. "You haven't attempted finding your loved ones, haven't visited the harpy village, and won't protect your children. Why should we help you with a problem that has a relatively easy solution?"

More shuffling. More frustrated grumbling. If this goes on much longer it might turn into a riot against us.

"It doesn't matter anyway. I'm going to save him, and I won't force them to come with me. I just need to know which direction to go in in order to find their village."

Pulling out my map I find the area where this village is currently located.

"The harpies village should be around… This area in the forest. It's how they aren't spotted when returning to their homes."

A hidden village? Would it be filled with plenty of fighters? But that harpy from earlier didn't look very strong… she was only concerned about trying to… mate with me. But maybe it might have been just her.

"I'll be going with you." said one of the women in the crowd. "I do appreciate you helping us but it wouldn't be right to send the 8th Traveler willing to help us into a dangerous situation by himself."

I'm the 8th person who's tried to find the men who lived in this village?

This… might be a bad idea. Especially if these women insist on coming with me.

"I'll go too." said a younger girl. "I won't forgive them for nearly kidnapping my little brother!"

More and more of them began shouting their agreements picking up tools and weapons to use for a fight. It wasn't a lengthy process, but with the way they held them it was seeming like a worse and worse idea to bring them along with me. It looks like Alice incited a riot instead of getting them to repent for their inactions.

"Okay so here's the plan…"

I wouldn't say I was unconscious for half the day, but more like unresponsive. I hadn't had an idea on what was going on in Happiness Village besides Luka had prevented a small child from being kidnapped and that I had been kidnapped in lieu of the small child.

I wasn't unaware of my surroundings but my head wouldn't stop swimming long enough for my body to respond properly. It might have been a concussion or something similar, having hit the ground as hard as I did. I didn't even check to see if I was bleeding or anything, my thoughts were swimming in mud and I don't think I was moving in a way that was entirely comfortable.

Before I knew it I was laying down, I could tell at least that much. My head was covered? Smothered? I could still breathe so maybe I was bandaged? My head wiped clean with a warm cloth, and the fog around my mind grew a bit hazier.

I was being tended to, I thought to myself. My thoughts were getting clearer but I couldn't make complete sense of them. I knew that they were my thoughts but I was detached from them. They were my thought spoken in a different voice and a different tone.

I needed coherence. So I'd need to figure out my basics:

_My name is Roxas, I was born in Iliasville, with a pair of scholars for parents who died of illness when I was young. I was born a librarian the moment I fell in love with those books._

_My name is NOT Roxas, it is my pen name. My parents are alive and well, and I wouldn't dare call them scholars. I've had a distant relationship with them for as long as I could remember. I've hated libraries and their books filled with content no one could help me understand with covers that didn't belong to me._

_My name is NOT Roxas. It is my pen name when I became a mediocre writer after leaving highschool, pursuing dreams I didn't fully believe in. I'm in a world with common sense so warped that monsters exist her and think that consumption of the male human flesh is fine._

_I'm in a new world, not my own._

The fog in my head cleared up the more I thought of my background. I wasn't a librarian, I was a chronicler for now. I was traveling with Luka to find coexistence between humans and monsters, loathsome though that thought may be.

My head was clear however. And I could not see the space around me. I was in a wooden house, and not a standard one either, as I could see a bit of leaves and twigs sticking out from the au naturale ceiling.

Touching the back of my head I winced, feeling a bit of pain.

"You shouldn't move so much, you took a pretty nasty fall." the harpy, most likely the one who brought me here.

There's no way I'm still in Happiness Village. Their houses were pretty shabby in my opinion and they weren't intune enough with nature to have houses like this. "Where am I?" I ask her.

She seemed a bit confused and then I could see the lightbulb of an idea switch on. "I brought you back home after your accident hunting for food."

"I was… hunting?" I ask trying to keep the incredulity out of my voice. Did she really think I had amnesia or something? Is it because I'm not exactly frothing at the mouth to attack her for nearly kidnapping a small child?

"Yeah, we were hunting together and you had been surprised by… a bear! No matter how many times you shot at it with your crossbow it wouldn't go down. I was trying to get you to run but you were so manly trying to beat it down, but it had knocked you into a boulder and well here you are!"

Her improv would have worked on a gullible and amnesia riddled me, but since I wasn't either I could say that idea was contrived and lazy. Fighting a bear? Me? I'd probably do something like that if I was confident and had a weapon but beating it down with nothing but a crossbow with no bolts on me? How stupid would I have to be?

"So then who are you?" I asked playing along for now.

She beamed a wholesome smile this time around. "I'm Lenora, your beautiful and loving wife."

...what?

* * *

The Harpy village was about what I'd expect from what little I saw of Lenora's house. Houses interwoven into the trees, rope ladders leading to the ground and birds of the human shape kind being the majority of the population. With so many female birds, I was going to notice the equally large number of men too.

'So this is why there weren't men in the other village. They needed more men to make up for the difference here.'

Something to keep in mind. Monsters have an infinitesimally small chance of giving birth to a male. Maybe a 0.01% chance of doing so and that doesn't even include the cases where there's a complication during birth.

This is a Harpy Village, hidden within a forest, with men who have families waiting for them while they raise their own families in these woods.

Their wives and daughters are going to be sooo pissed if they find out.

* * *

**An omake for you.**

**Is it canon?**

**...maybe?**

* * *

Holding onto the heavy book and my hand shaking with adrenaline, I couldn't help but wonder how everything had led up to this point.

Alice had been sucking me off in my sleep. While I'm sure any guy would be thrilled for that to happen having someone wrapped around your most precious thing while I was sleeping so comfortably is… terrifying to say the least.

I also think I just blue balled myself. But my life comes before my libido.

"shitshitshitshit. What am I going to do?" I'm panicking. Not loudly enough to make anyone find cause for concern but my frantic unnecessary hand movements probably weren't helping me calm down at all. "

Looking at her I could see her hand twitching and the minute moments indicating she was ready to ball her hands up into fists.

When you hit someone in the head with a heavy object, they aren't immediately unconscious. It's more of a light concussion. Letting my guard down to panic more would likely end with me getting choked the fuck out and semen drained.

Not today thot.

Twice, thrice, four times. I slammed the book into her head again seeing her feign unconsciousness before she actually slumped down into actual unconsciousness.

I am sooo fucked when she gets up.

Okay so where was she staying last time?

We rented out two rooms, I think. It'd be for the best to drop her off at Luka's room. Probably on top of him if he's asleep already.

The easy part would be getting around unnoticed. I couldn't quite tell what time it was, but the moon was high in the sky, softly illuminating the world. A quick peek into the hallway showed that the lights were dimmed and the matron of the Inn also unconscious a few doors down.

Slowly he started dragging the heavy Lamia and her 12 foot long tail to the next room over. The door was (thankfully) unlocked and allowed me to nudge the door open without too much noise.

Slowly, slower, yet even slower I kept pulling until I reached the bed, where I all but threw her next to Luka. Bringing her tail up to coil around him to make it seem natural was all part of my plan.

If she remembers this? I'm fucked. If not? I can pass this off without any further inconvenience.

Then leaving the room I saw the still prone matron on the floor.

...

Damn it. I just HAVE to have a conscious.

Bringing her into my room was easier due to a lack of tail that dragged. Sharing my bed wasn't, she had decided to be the big spoon that night and I found myself being cuddled.

I didn't hate it but I was really feeling the mental and physical exhaustion. From dealing with things that give me boners but no real release. I wasn't going to wake the lady next to me for a quickie to get over it either.

Hypnos took his time pulling me into the dream realm that night.

* * *

**(A/N OMAKE):**

The alcohol slowly drained from the author's room no longer completely enveloping him.

He laid therefor 1 day, then 2. Before he knew it a whole month passed.

He continued laying there. Only the barest twitching indicated he was in fact not dead.

As the last drops of the yellow unknown liquid went down the unseen drain a card popped out and landed softly in his hand.

**This took a lot longer than it should have.**

**Why did it take so long?**

**I COULD tell you why... but you already know why.**

**I hate this story.**

Another card along with a glass of water and two pills that are known to cure hangovers appeared.

**Not actually but...**

**I do have negative feelings attached towards this.**

**And I haven't felt like I'm going to stay true to the character if I solely focus on this.**

**Was focusing on other stuff for a while.**

**tl;dr not abandoned but feeling burnt out.**

The author who hates referring to himself as the author rolled over and mechanically downed the pills and water without getting up. Another card floated down onto his lifeless eyes from the brain void.

**I won't be doing this often, but the bad disease is affecting my ability to write.**

**Or rather it's affecting my ability to work**

**Or rather it's making me broke.**

**Or rather I feel like shit right now.**

**Which means you get content again.**

**Missed my monthly upload.**

**Will make up for it.**

**Hopefully.**

The laptop with the 5k word document on FFN gave off the glow that would terrify any lesser writer.

'It's too short.' He would have said. 'They're expecting more.'

Looking over at the calendar.** JUNE 2020**

"Whatever. I'll just upload and try this again."

The editing was slow paced. Somewhat sloppy but he did it without moving from his initial roll over.

He hit **UPLOAD**

"Hopefully I'l get emails for reviews again. Or for story updates. Or anything..."

Man... what a drag...


End file.
